WEEK 20: The Mountain Pass

Hey Ghost

This is really good lots of imagery

Well done mate ..

I don't understand truck talk that much I'm guessing 38 ON 170

38 miles an hour on highway 170 ( am I right ) < nothing wrong in doing that I'm just curiousthat's all

Keep up your writting mate

It is really improving

Hilch :?:

Yeah Hilch that's about correct. Thanks.

38 miles per hour on Interstate 70.

This song was easier to put together this time around, spent since Sunday brainstorming and working on verses and such.

Hi Ghost,
“fourth try at writing a song this month” good on you, keep it up :D .

You've got some nice imagery in here, which I find is half the battle when writing a song. The other half is trying to pull it all together. There are a couple of things that I think would improve this song. 1) maybe have some emotion or feeling as a recurrent theme through the song. And 2) maybe use a more typical song structure in there. The structure bit gives you place to put the emotion.
So for example each of the verses could just have 1 line that alludes to your frustration about delay and then a chorus or bridge that summarises your feelings. Maybe something like this:
Over pass and under pass
Yet another great divide
Over time and under paid
God I hate this ride
Now we are starting to know a little bit about our hero.

Using rhyme is another way of threading each verse together, not that you have to use rhyme but it is another technique.
BTW have a read of Nick's stuff on songwriting, its very good advice.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Paul

Nice song. What kind of music do you have in mind with this? I hear an acoustic slow song, but that's just me.

one wing that is by far the best avatar you have had :lol: :lol:

some random thoughts from me:
Better not be a backup
Up ahead
have you tried singing this this line?
Snow blurring the lines
Fogging up the windows

does snow fog up windows?
Through the snow, through the night
The snow plows are at work
No sign of the snow letting up

did you know that the Eskimos have 38 different words for snow? that's why they are such great songwriters ;)
Traveling only 38 on I70

probably just me but 38mph seems quite fast given that it's snowy enough for chains, and the other lane is jammed. in the picture you've described I see the cars doing 15-20 tops.

Yeah I tryed to sing that part of the song, worked for me. Could be better.

Ever been in a vechicle without a working heater? No fun and with the cold and blowing snow, windows do fog up. :roll:

Almost too strange with the last two questions/thoughts m6. 38 words for snow and I picked 38 mph. Yup, some of us Coloradians are crazy drivers in the mountains, in the snow. :shock:

If there's a traffic jam/bottle necked in the other lane it's usually not moving. 3-5 hr waits to get moving.

Just giving a little info. if it helps any as to how I came up with some things.

Thanks for the reply martin-6! :D

I like this song, it really does have a lot of imagery. I'm really fond of the way it ends:

"This journey is wearing me down
But I'll be home soon."

I really like this bit its such a great ending. Personally I would change around the two lines before that, just mess up the syntax a bit so that the 2nd line ends with moon instead of the first one starting with it. I really think that having a rhyme there would make it stand out so much more, and that would be great for the last verse.

Keep it up, good work!

Paul