Week 22 - "All You Can Eat"

Hi Andrew

This has got some really good stuff in it. I'd like to suggest, though, that in the first verse you drop (or change) the final stanza:

We pass by the wreckage
Slow down to take a peek
And scoff at their mortality
Tonight is "all you can eat"

Mainly because, after the great little details of the first two stanzas, this pales in comparison and it doesn't do much to help the progression of the song.

The second verse, while full of the same great little details, seems to still be a bit vague. Who is the "he" that we're dealing with? An agnst-ridden teenage suicide? If so, what on earth is he doing here? Bringing this sort of thing into play changes the whole perspective of the first verse and changes the focus of the song from being about social and moral wrong to being something totally different.

You've got some great writing skills here - a good sense of rhythm, a keen eye for detail and some fine turns of phrase. I can't wait to read more of your work.

Peace

 

Hi Andrew

This is good stuff but like David I think the first and second verses don't match.  This is just a suggestion but you could contrast the idea of a 'hungry' nation not just satisfied with the consumption of war but actually consuming its own young individually through societal pressures.

I think there's an awful lot of potential here just needs to be harnessed and put in the right order.

Minor alterations to the chorus:

All we do is frown
The Axis of Evil must come down
Death has a night on the town
To preserve the American Dream

This is great stuff and welcome to the SSG hope to see you here over the coming weeks.

Bob  :)

This is still Andrew... :) I just registered with a different name.
Thank you for your comments. They really got me thinkin'.
After looking at it, I can see what you mean. The 2nd verse definitely changes the perspective completely, and is vague. I realized that in the second verse one of the things I wanted to communicate is what Bob pointed out: society consuming its own young; but I did a very bad job of it, and went off topic. I made some big changes after a few beers  :) and here is the latest "version". Tell me what you think.

Verse 1
Death comes from the sky
Day turns into night
A little boy cries out in fright
Tonight is "all you can eat"

She hides inside her van  
And praises this great land
With a burger in her hand
Tonight is "all you can eat"

We pass by the wreckage
Slow down to take a peak
And scoff at their mortality
Tonight is "all you can eat"

Chorus
All we can do is frown
As the Axis of Evil must come down
And Death goes for a night on the town
To preserve the American Dream

Verse 2
He buys the world and he feels nice
He sells his time while on thin ice
The showcase falls and he does too
For only $19.99

He buys nice clothes and smiles with pride
He cleans his room; he's satisfied
The TV is on; the schedule is set
For only $19.99

He cries on stage while we sleep
He kills himself; what a relief!
Back to meat n potatoes; the regular routine
For only $19.99

The news report spells victory
As children die in their sleep
Smart bombs fueled by apathy
For only $19.99

The beloved son says goodbye
It is only now that we cry
Our guns backfired and blew him away
For only $19.99

Chorus

Hi Fruscian

Good rewrite - gets the message across stronger.  Certainly second verse is a lot stronger.

Have a look at the chorus as well - I struggle with it as I reckon some lines are overlong.  Just a suggestion but  could cut out some of the 'padding'

All we can do is frown  
As the Axis of Evil must come down  
And Death goes for has a night on the town  
To preserve the American Dream  

Also I keep wanting to make the Axis turn around for some reason. ;)

good stuff

Bob  :)

Once again, thanks for all the advice.
As far as the chorus is concerned, I thought about changing it, but it doesn't work any other way. The padding is really needed the way I sing it; especially the "goes for', since without that, I have to drag out the "has". Of course, most of the time, the opposite happens. You write something awesome, and then you realize there are too/too few syllables. That's why I hate songwriting. :-) just kidding...it's more of a love/hate relationship. :-)
Thanks again

Fruscian