This was a quick write... happened between band practice and getting home to get ready for work.
Ok.. revised this one now that i just got home. The original writeup.. which I saw three people had read was done in like 20 minutes. This is largely the same thing with a couple of words changed.
"My City"
My city sleeps tonight
And under my feet tonight
Her heart softly beats
And through all the cracks in the streets
She breaths
My city dreams tonight
Of flowers and trees tonight
All she used to be
And as the rain hits the concrete Â
She weeps
(Chorus)
My city sleeps tonight
And while she dreams tonight
She holds me
And tells me that she loves me
Out on the street tonight
Where I'll fall asleep tonight
Where no one can see
These wonderful secrets she keeps
But me
(Chorus)
She holds me
And tells me that she loves me
-Marv
Really good Marv. I'm a bit of a sucker for "hometown personification", but that you chose a street person as the character through whom the description is told, makes it quite poignant. Very well done.
-- Scratch
Hey'a Marv
REALLY V GOOD, I got a big lump in my throat with this verse
My city dreams tonight
Of flowers and trees tonight
All she used to be
And as the rain hits the concrete
She weeps
So sad............ you need to visit , we have no concrete here
Go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Class act, Marv. Flows well and gets the listener involved.
Two suggestions:
First, perhaps changing this line:
And through all the cracks in the streets
to this:
Through every crack in every street
And second, changing "wonderful" to "beautiful" in describing the secrets. I think "beautiful" is more of a "seeing" description. Just a thought.
Peace
Hey Dhodge..
I tried both your suggestions. The first one didn't quite work the way i sing it. I mean it fits meter wise but I like the way the first writing sounds.
I originally wrote the word as "beautiful" and when i sing it it oscilates back and forth between those words. I think i'll go with "beautiful" in the end though.
Thanks
-Marv
I tried both your suggestions. The first one didn't quite work the way i sing it. I mean it fits meter wise but I like the way the first writing sounds.
In the end, you've got to go with liking how it sounds. I can totally understand that!
Peace
Hi Marv
As suspected another excellent submission. Like Jamir I favour the lines
My city dreams tonight
Of flowers and trees tonight
All she used to be
And as the rain hits the concrete
She weeps
speaks volumes
Excellent stuff
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
Excellent work. Sometimes it's hard to judge a song lyric without hearing the melody, but with the melody it should be even better.
All the best,
