Week 23 Just Me MP3 added

hey trev,

i really like the chorus. generally, i am not very fond of the word "bad" and wondered if i would/could replace it by something else... thought of "a pain in the neck" and "ghastly" or "cruel"... but your choice seems right now :D so, it does read very well. the way that last line of the chorus gets things spinning- great!

as for the verses... hm... maybe a tad too repetitive? but i can't criticise that as i have no real suggestions as to how i would do it differently.. :wink:
only came up with one tiny re-ordered version of one of your verses-

the simple things
the stars at night
the truth inside
your hand in mine
the simple things are what i like

not sure it's any good though :wink:

the chorus is very strong and if you could tighten up the verses a bit, this would be even better. just my two cents :D

cheers,
straycat.

Thanks for the suggestions and the feedback Stray cat ..

Always appreciate your insight ...

Thanks ,

Cheers

Trev..

I added a MP3 ..

I can't sing for poop but I tried it's near the lyrics if anyone is interested

Cheers

Trev.. :wink:

you can sing :D
there is something very beautiful about the way you sing. it's not your typical clean pop whatever voice, but it needn't be. almost none of the singers that i admire have such voices.
the music sounds good, too.

the only thing i noticed (i'm sure you realized that yourself) is that in some places your lines proved quite a mouthful :D nothing bad against cramming a couple of words in here and there, but in some places it seems quite a lot, or at least it seems to have given you soem trouble singing :wink:
maybe if you tried to sing+ play these parts a bit slower? no need to hurry, have you? :wink:
anyways, i just noticed. it's nothing major though. i can fairly well ignore it and enjoy the song!

well done!

cheers,
straycat.

I get the general gist of the song, it reads OK for the most part.....but (there's always that "but" isn't there!)......

There's a couple of lines where the rhyme seems forced....

At times I can be bad
But I cry when I am sad......

Maybe that'd read better as something like,

"Sometimes I get mad,
But I can cry when I'm sad...."

there's a couple of other places where I thought similarly....

Now at first, I thought lines like "what you see isn't what you get" didn't fit - but then I caught the POV you're coming from, and understood a little better.....

So yeah, overall it works.....and kudos to you for dragging this one out and not giving up!

Sometimes you just have to read a song more than once for it to make sense.....

:D :D :D

Vic

Thanks Stray & Vic

I really appreciate your words of encouragement ,

I really do appreciate it when someone offers their thoughts and advise

Cheers

Trev...

you can sing :D
there is something very beautiful about the way you sing. it's not your typical clean pop whatever voice, but it needn't be. almost none of the singers that i admire have such voices.
the music sounds good, too.

the only thing i noticed (i'm sure you realized that yourself) is that in some places your lines proved quite a mouthful :D nothing bad against cramming a couple of words in here and there, but in some places it seems quite a lot, or at least it seems to have given you soem trouble singing :wink:
maybe if you tried to sing+ play these parts a bit slower? no need to hurry, have you? :wink:
anyways, i just noticed. it's nothing major though. i can fairly well ignore it and enjoy the song!

well done!

cheers,
straycat.
I have been reading the high lighted part over and over and you make a lot of sense , thanks ....
When I get time I am going to re-do this slower and cut some words out just like you and Vic mentioned ...
Maybe I was in such a hurry to end this song as I don't rate my singing very highly ..

Thanks heaps

Trev... :wink: :wink: