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Week 29 Mum

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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

This week has brought many thoughts and memories for me

This is dedicated to my mum and there is a lot of truth in here , she passed away when I was 10 , and I have never reaaly over came losing this lovely woman from my life .. Feeling alot of emotion as I write this

MUM

I can still remember that day , worst day of my life
Laying in my bed , my brother ran in .. said you were dead
I was only 10 I didn't know what that meant

I still cry for you at night time
I still want you to kiss me good night
I miss my mum so much , why did you have to go
I want to feel your cuddles , and hear you say it's alright

There has not been a day go by , I don't stop and remember you
You were always there for me , your smile is enbedded in my life
I prayer to myself at night , hopeing there is a heaven

For I know
I still cry for you at night time
I still want you to kiss me good night
I miss my mum so much , why did you have to go
I want to feel your cuddles , and hear you say it's alright

I think when Mr Clapton sang that song about heaven
I hope it is true , and you do know my name
And hold me just the same

For I know
I still cry for you at night time
I still want you to kiss me good night
I miss my mum so much , why did you have to go
I want to feel your cuddles , and hear you say it's alright

=============
All feed back muchly appreciated

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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lotto king
(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Wow mate tough thing to critise ...

I'm a little uneasy with the Clapton verse

Needs more I feel , not as powerful as the rest I thought ..

Probably won't get many critics saying it's rubbish mind you , this is from your heart

and it comes over so powerfully

Keep posting

L.k

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Thanks

Pete ..
So if I alter this line ...
I miss my mum so much , why did you have to go

to read
I miss you so very much , why did you have to go

Would that be better ...???

L,K
I think when Mr Clapton sang that song about heaven
I hope it is true , and will you do know my ( drop the do )name
And hold me just the same <------ I add like you use to ?

Would that be more emotional ? your not the first to mention that verse as One Wing has high lighted that out to me as not being as strong in a emotioanl sense as the rest ..

Hilch ..

And if this is rubbish say so please I don't want to be writting rubbish and evereyone being very careful what they say about it ...
I have said it before and will say it again if I post rubbish PLEASE PLEASE tell me ...

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Pete

Mate I didn't mean the content as such , when I mentioned rubbish meant , ( like your critque ) pick holes at parts that others believe don't seem right as you did ,with :
I miss my mum so much , why did you have to go

So I changed it to something would be more correct , when I was talking about rubbish I also meant the structure of my work ..

I started out writting with following structure

chorus- verse1 -verse2- chorus - verse 3 -verse4-chorus

But after reading more and more songs , I have found that not tobe the case in most cases .
I am a big fan of Blue Night Angels work and she was this amazing way of portraying a tale . I am trying to think out side the square so to say with structure .

Thanks again Pete for your in put

Appreciated

Hilch :?:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

hilch mate,

2 songs hell Im still trying to decide what (if anything) to do this week.
Yes "I miss you so very much , why did you have to go" is good.
For me what happend at the Clapton line was that you were right in there pouring out your heart and then it was almost like your mind wandered off on a tangent as you started thinking about what you had just written, stream of conciousness stuff if you know what I mean. I think mentioning his name detracts a little bit so maybe something like:
And I hope its true when he sang in that song
of heaven and tears and where we belong
That you'll remember me and call out my name

Anyway I think youve got the makings there, good work

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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Bennett
(@bennett)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 297
 

Wow Hilchy! Two songs in one day! :o

Great job on this one. I felt the emotion.

Some great points above though and I think the change you made from Pete's suggestion is great.

I also think Paul's suggestion above is great. The "Clapton" line was the only one that didn't gel with me and I think Paul above has suggested why this is.

Great work though mate. Very powerful.

From little things big things grow - Paul Kelly


   
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 Anonymous
Joined: 53 years ago
Posts: 0
 

Wow, what a song. So much feeling in there mate, nearly welled up!

Powerful song, very well done.

Pete


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Thanks for the in put and the comments people so I thought I would put all ideas down in the song , if anyone can see another change that is starring them in the eyes please say so I would dearly love to get this right .I'll put all edits in here ...
Ok here we go

I can still remember that day , worst day of my life
Laying in my bed , my brother ran in .. said you were dead
I was only 10 I didn't know what that meant

I still cry for you at night time
I still want you to kiss me good night
I miss you so very much , why did you have to go
I want to feel your cuddles , and hear you say it's alright

There has not been a day go by , I don't stop and remember you
You were always there for me , your smile is enbedded in my life
I prayer to myself at night , hopeing there is a heaven

For I know
I still cry for you at night time
I still want you to kiss me good night
I miss you so very much , why did you have to go
I want to feel your cuddles , and hear you say it's alright

And I hope its true when he sang in that song
of heaven and tears and where we belong
That you'll remember me and call out my name

For I know
I still cry for you at night time
I still want you to kiss me good night
I miss you so very much , why did you have to go
I want to feel your cuddles , and hear you say it's alright

=======
p.s
10141748
You nearly welled up ... you should have seen me writting it .. talk about the worlds biggest sob ....

Pbee
Thanks mate again yeah I did sort of go off on a totally different tangent thanks for re-wording ...

Bennett
Thank you again for encouraging comments ..

Bush pig
Mate thanks for the comments and ideas

L.K
Thank you for out lineing the Clapton line

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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Bob
 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Hilch

I read this earlier in the week and liked it then - this was the relationship dynamic I was thinking of going with if the time thieves hadn't stole all my available free time this tweek.

Good exploratiion of the relationship and the yearning for her still to be there - totally relate.

Good stuff

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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