hi everyone.
:D well here's one I did quite sometime ago I put a few touches on it i still feel as though somthing is missing let me know what you all think so maybe i can give it some more tweeking
thanks mystic 8)
We were young and free
We were young and free
Sneaking down the old oak tree
Seems like just yesterday
Drinking beer by the railway
An smoking cigarettes in the creek bed
What momma didn't see
Momma couldn't know
Taking chances and our fishing poles
Yah seems like just yesterday
We were young and free
Sneaking down the old oak tree
I still have an old friend
I see know and then
We like reminiscing
About way back then
What momma didn't see
Momma couldn't know
taking chances
and climbing branches
Smoking marijuana were momma couldn't see
Way up high in the cherry tree
We were young and free
Sneaking down the old oak tree
Seems like only yesterday
We were young and free
I still have an old friend
I see know and then
We like reminiscing
About way back then
We were young and free
Sneaking down the old oak tree
Seems like only yesterday
Drinking beer by the railway
an smokin cigarettes in the creek bed
What momma didn't see
Momma couldn't know
Taking chances
And our fishing poles
Yah seems just like yesterday
© Debbie Alaric
Hi mystic
Fundamentally this is a really good song.
i still feel as though something is missing let me know
I think what's missing is structure and focus. What your trying here (and good for you BTW) is to have the last ½ of the song a sort of reflection of the first ½ by reusing the same phrases. I don't think it quite works in this context. I think this song needs to have only one focal point or “hook†as Nick would say. The hook is the thing about a song we all remember later. The "We were young and free" and “Seems like only yesterday†seem to be fighting each other for that role and so we dont know if the song is about being young and free or about looking back on those days.
There's a good song here and its not far away either. Keep up the good work :D .
pb
