Week 34 (Late) Cirque de Soleil (Catch Each Other...)

Actually, rereading this, the final line in the various stanzas should be "if we fell" (not as we fell) to catch the double meaning of the emotional attachment.

SfDean.

I like it. Good, honest story. Good use of imagery without obscuring the point.

If there's a weak part, I'd say it is the last time through the chorus:
Your marriage broke,
Mine got repaired.
I don't think I ever told you
Just how much I cared.

Besides the Hallmarkishness, I think that the song implies that the two characters did more than just care for each other. Perhaps more explicity stating that the singer's desire (at least at some point) was that the in-joke become a reality. And if you could do it while retaining the "falling" imagery, that would be even better.

Maybe something like:

Your marriage broke,
Mine was saved
Despite the times I wasn't laughing
When we joked of falling again.

Don't know if that fits your rhythm or not, but that's more or less what I was thinking would fit the sentiment better. Hope you find it useful.

Slowplay, I think you're right that the lyric needs fixing to really get the idea across. The idea behind the song was to capture something of the complicated feelings neither of them acted on. I'd had some couplets in my original notes like "It was never going to happen/it was nice to think about..."

I'll noodle around with it, and if I get a clearer version, I'll repost it.

Thanks for the feedback,

SfDean.

Slowplay, I rewrote the couplet you (appropriately) noted was weak. Revised, here's the current version:

Cirque de Soleil
(Catch Each Other If We Fell…)

We always joked together
We were going to run away,
Both quit this crazy job we shared
And join Cirque de Soleil.
Cirque de Soleil,
The circus of the sun.
Flying on the high trapeze
Would be a lot more fun
And, well
We might catch each other
If we fell.

I was married, hey you too,
But we'd laugh over lunch
And say that's what we'd do
Someday
Someday
That running joke we'd tell,
Run away to Cirque de Soleil
And maybe catch each other
If we fell.

It's a delicate balance,
A timing challenge--
Somehow we'd catch each other
If we fell

Your marriage broke
Mine got repaired
You moved to San Francisco
I hear you're happy there.

We used to joke together
We were going to run away
Both quit this crazy job we shared
And join Cirque de Soleil.
Cirque de Soleil,
The circus of the sun
Flying on the high trapeze
Would be a lot more fun
And, well
We might catch each other
If we fell.

Your marriage broke,
Mine got repaired.
I never told you
How much I cared.

I guess that's just as well…

In the old days,
With that running joke we'd tell
Of both joining Cirque de Soleil
Together
And how we'd catch each other
If we fell.

Hey SF,

Um, my criticism about that couplet wasn't about the rhythm or wording, it was about the sentiment. What I was driving at was that a deeper, more personal confession than "how much I cared" could be very powerful.

As far as the other changes... changing "running away to" to "both joining" may flow better, but you don't get the mid-line rhyme with "Cirque de Soliel". "Running away to" also has more of the circus connotation.

Changing the as's to if's works well, but if you do go with the more personal confession that I refered to, changing the if's back to as's just for the one time through the chorus after that would imply that he's been imagining it. "If we fell" is how they would talk to each other; "as we fell" is how the singer would describe a daydream to someone he really trusted (like us, the audience :D ).

Thanks for your suggestions again, Slow Play (even if you still aren't letting me off the hook for the Hallmark card interruption.) I'll work on this some more.

SfDean.