Well its week 1 for me, not 41 !!
I'm not sure that this is quite what you asked for but I started writing and this is what happened.
My life was grey
When I dreamed away days
Waiting to see something new
But I saw the rainbow
and swear that your face glowed
the first time my eyes fixed on you
When I saw the white of your eyes
I saw the light in disguise
And all of the colours had changed in my life
Your brown flowing hair
Was like nature was there
In the city rush hour time
Smoothe lips of pink
I started to think
Wishing that they would meet mine
When I saw the white of your eyes
I saw the light in disguise
And all of the colours had changed in my life
That yellow dress
Had my mind in a mess
I gathered my thoughts for this chance
I said hello
The rainbow it glowed
The colours they started to dance
When I saw the white of your eyes
I saw the light in disguise
And all of the colours had changed in my life
Please keep in mind I've been playing guitar for a little under 2 months and this is my first ever attempt at writing lyrics, so if the layout or ryming pattern (or any other method etc.) is wrong I didn't know!
It's a rough version, I did it in my lunch break at work and will check it over at home tonight.
Let me know what you think.
thanks
J
Hi Jimbob
not a bad first attempt at a song. I can see what you're trying to say with the song. Boy meets girl incident, bag of nerves until he sees in her eyes that it's all OK.
Good overall structure and not bad rhyming scheme. Don't overwork it but do revisit it and see if you can give more impact to some of the lines.
Good start and welcome to writing - kep it up.
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
Second person this week to post a first-ever attempt at songwriting....the only question I have to ask is, why haven't you tried before? Like edub's effort, this is pretty good for any song, let alone a first try...and like Bob said, it could possibly do with a few tweaks here and there....
"The rainbow it glowed".....there's no need for the word "it" in there, it makes the line seem a little clumsy and forced....like Nick always says, if you wouldn't say it like that in conversation, don't write it down as a lyric....
But minor quibbles aside, a very creditable first effort....although I'm not too keen on the title...and I look forward to seeing more from you!!!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Second person this week to post a first-ever attempt at songwriting....the only question I have to ask is, why haven't you tried before?
Well, its because i've only just started playing guitar (about 2 mnths) and wanted to get some basic skills down before writing my own stuff!
And I wasn't sure about the title myself! I just put something in for the sake of it, I'm thinking that the line "I saw the light in disguise" would be a better title.
Thanks for the replys, I've had a tweak and added a bit
still not definitive but here goes:
My life was once grey
When I dreamed away days
Waiting to see something new
But I saw the rainbow (and)
I swear that your face glowed
The first time my eyes fixed on you
When I saw the white of your eyes
I saw the light in disguise
And all of the colours had changed in my life
Your brown flowing hair
Was like nature was there
In the city rush hour time
Smoothe lips of pink
Made me start to think
Wishing that they would meet mine
Then I saw the white of your eyes
I saw the light in disguise
All of the colours had changed in my life
That yellow dress
Had my mind in a mess
I gathered my thoughts for this chance
I said hello (and)
The rainbow showed
And the colours started to dance
When I saw the white of your eyes
I saw the light in disguise
And all of the colours had changed in my life
(bridge)
Now that I've met you,
and I've seen the colours
I know
I ain't gonna let you
Ain't gonna let you
Go
Cos I've seen the white of your eyes
I've seen the light in disguise
And all of the colours have changed my life
let me know what you think
p.s. this songwriting club is a cool idea, to keep your mind working on different things each week!
Jimbob,
Welcome to SSG. Very nice I like the rewrite.
(not that the original was bad or anything)
I started on week 41 last year hope to see you still
here a year from now.
Good Job!
Celt
