week 50 "bloody sheets"

The bridge works fine, apart from the line about ethical despair....can't make sense of that however I look at it....I'd try something like "Lost in a limbo, somewhere" or "lost in deep despair".......

Apart from that, nothing to quibble about.....I've said it before, I'll say it again, you really do have a totally unique take on songwriting (if a little dark, morbid and gloomy!!!) - you really need to get some of these songs recorded.....Portia's version of "Wet matches" was stunning......

And remember us when you're famous, won't you?...........

:D :D :D

Vic

hi:)

'ethical despair' has a personal meaning for me...it was a schoolbook for the subject ethics that made me realize death, I was like 3rd grade maybe and read the stories in it before going to bed...got really scared, had nightmares for months if I could sleep at all..and these 'horror phases' catch up with me from time to time again...as they did last august.
well, I hope you understand it better now.

recording...yeah I wanna...desperately...it ususally fails because of themelody or the chords and my lack of experience in guitar playing, song arrangement& recording
And remember us when you're famous, won't you?...........
SURE! without you I'm nothing.....as placebo said.
(....after all I'm not so sure of myself anymore after the last weekend where I went to a writing workshop.....some of my German stuff was judged....it's bad she said :cry: after being a bit hurt I wrote till midnight last sunday- to see if I can do something like the others did....so I'm happy to see I can still come up with something for SSG- every week again I'm like sh.it can't think of anything to write abot, have I forgotten everything, where's the muse?..feel really lost)

so thank you vic, you're so kind :D
bluenightangel

AWESOME

Being a big fan of Tori Amos, Kate Bush etc, this to me is right up that street, very lyrical...

Really enjoyed reading through this.

Would take one hell of a band though to do it justice.

Also sounds a little Evanescene/Nightwish-ish

Hope these references dont make you think about giving up.. I mean all this as a compliment.

hey angel!,

I really hate when this happens... but I've read this a couple times now, and I just don't get it. Obviously it's just me, because you got some good feedback from Vic and Spadge. But me personally, ... I just can't seem to get my mind around it.

The structure is really tight, good rhymes / meter. And that's not just to be gratuitous, your writing has really come along from even a few months ago. And this song is no exception. In fact, structure-wise, it's one of your best so far. Just the story I'm having trouble with.

I didn't want you to think I didn't read it, I always look forward to seeing what you'll come up with, because as Vic said, it's always unique and interesting, albeit sometimes morose.

-- Scratch 8)

hi..

thanks spadge :D I'm not really fond of tori amos(though I can't really judge her music, only song I remember is the cover of 'smells like teen spirit' which I hated her doing this to that song), kate bush is alright(the bit I just listened to at amazon.com), evanesecene is good and nightwish...hm...er..I prefer other 'gothic' bands:)
anyway I get your point, and I do take it as a compliment, don't worry, thanks again!

scratch..thanks for the strucure-wise pat on the back, and thanks for replying even when you can't relate to the story(sweet of you that you didn't want me to think you didn't read it). what is it? do you understand the story and don't like it or can't relate to it, or do you not fully understand what it's about? I wanna get your mind around it:) if I can that is.

bluenightangel

2nd reply to this thread..

But it as to be said, this is great stuff

My friend, I know you hate sticky closeness
But I cannot be as tough
Like my mommy never hugged me enough
That's why I cling to your warmth like a fu.cking moth

that is awesome by itself,

cling to your warmth like a f'ing moth

WOW

hey blue,

i have to say i am with scratch on this one. i just didn't understand the story. Lines in between
Blood on the sheets :? i didn't get it, they went right over my head. i was ok with the song, understanding it all until the first time i encountered those two lines. i was thinking to myself what the hell do these lines mean.

the "ethical despair" confused me as well. as far as what it meant in the song.

ok i don't want to sound like i am knocking you or your song writting. but the only way we can get better is by knowing what people actually think about our work. so what i am about to say is not meant to be negative or a put down. it is just something mainly to think about. and it is just my opinion on what kinds of song that i like best.
ok here it goes......i think you have some good stories that you want to tell. but sometimes they get lost in your word choice. do you sit and try to think of the biggest words you can use or the most obscure way you can say something, or do those things just pop into your head? if that is what pops into your head then go with it. you might want to try and tell the story in more plain simple words. try and write it out in the first words that come to mind if they aren't the big words. and see how it goes. if that is the style you are going for then more power to you. but i do get lost in those words. the songs that speak to me most are the ones that are simpler and don't get lost in their wording. try to write a song more in the manner of how you explain your songs. just a suggestion. your stuff is very poetry like and i think that songs tend to be a simpler version of poetry. i'm not quite sure why this came to mind but these lines have stuck out since i read them in high school

esra pound - modernest poet
"green arsnic smeared on an egg white cloth,
crushed strawberries, come let us feast our eyes!"
what the hell that means i haven't a clue. all of these things that i have said are just for you to ponder. hopefully they will help out. don't let it get you down or cause you to stop writting. let me know if you didn't understand something that i wrote. and remember nothing here was said in a negative way, just in an observant thrid person way.

you seem to have no problem with making a song flow and have good meter.

-CheapThrill

i really dug it but i did think it meant something different from what you explained. or did i? i don't even know anymore

i thought this was about a girl growing up, and as a little girl her daddy loved her.. then she got her period and started becoming a woman and the dad didn't know what to do. from not wanting to see you're little girl grow up, from her dating boys, from all these things.. i've never been a girl but i'd imagine there are two phases in a daughter/father relationship.. and this was in phase two wishing for the past. and of coarse it wasn't that the dad didn't love her, it's just a man typically doesn't know about a girl going through her period, and he is more embarrased now... and their relationship suffered.

and then the end sounds like she is talking to a boyfriend.. and seeking the father-daughter relationship from him. or a replacement relationship of somekind. and explaining why she is the way she is and feels the way she feels.

i could be way off what you meant, but i think my explaination could work as well.

*sigh* .....

d'you understand the story now? I mean the two things you mentioned were explained later..
I appreciate your being honest. I do :wink: (at least when I've stopped crying*lol*) nope, back to seriousness.
do you sit and try to think of the biggest words you can use or the most obscure way you can say something, or do those things just pop into your head? sometimes I do try to think of periphrasing something e.g. when I want to use a phrase that's been overused and therefore even cliché-ish. but mostly such words just flow out of my pen like ink, it's not that I work as hard as I can to make my songs so confusing no one will ever understand them:( I'm glad when people can understand at least the general idea of what I'm talking about(needn't even be more than the general idea so everyone can see another, his/her own picture)..yet I try not to make it too obvious. and even when I try I can never make everybody happy, can I? let me take you as an example, vic, dude:) you prefer my tangled stuff, don't you? and you weren't as happy with easy things like 'three leaf clover'. which you, cheap thrill, liked better. I'm sorry that you get lost sometimes in my wording. I used to be someone striving desperately to make everybody happy and I'm still like that sometimes..but it wears you out. I'm not offended by your words, don't worry, it's good to hear criticism and different opinions. I'm afraid you will stumble over these 'big-worded' songs of mine again, that's me I guess;) But there will always be clearer ones from time to time:))
oh and these lines you recited...I honestly don't understand them completely either but I love them :D

hey geoffrey, your idea of what the song is about is as good as mine:) it wasn't really about a daughter-father relationship and the change her period brought about but this is also a great way to understand it :D this is exactly what I meant with the general idea and the individual picture in mind;) you got that spoken part right though. it is about another relationship and really about her relationship to her boyfriend.

if anyone wants the song explained coherently once more, just ask:)

thanks spadge, once again
thanks cheapthrill for your sincerity, made me think:)
and thanks geoffrey for an alternative meaning(love it if other people see a different story)
bluenightangel

hey blue,
thanks cheapthrill for your sincerity, made me think:)your welcome, and that was my point. i am happy that you actually did think about it. it is nice to see that people take comments into real consideration here.

i may not be a huge fan, but i do always enjoy reading your stuff to see your interesting take on the assignment, since it is always so different from the norm.

-CheapThrill

Cheap Thrill said...

"It is nice to see that people take comments into real consideration here."

It's nice of people to take the time and trouble to critique one's work...even if they don't like it, they're honest enough to say why they don't....constructive criticism is one of the would-be songwriter's biggest friends, I said ages ago:

"Don't forget, every parent thinks their child is perfect - it's the evil auntie who spots the birthmark..........

Then again surgery is sometimes required............ "

Vic.

yep, thanks for taking the time to criticise! :D
it's the evil auntie who spots the birthmark..........

Then again surgery is sometimes required............ " lol :lol:

..take care
bluenightangel

:D I think this song is pretty cool, even if i don't understand it completely. A whiter shade of pale took me some time to figure out, but it is a great tune. some great poetry has taken me a long time to comprehend, and leaves a lot of room for interpretation, but thats cool.
8) 8) I realy liked "weal of the late years-lines in between-blood on the sheets". it really reads like poetry.-----the dog

I haven't chimed in in a long while, so don't think I'm picking on you, I just saw the post pop up.

All of the following is just my opinion:

It doesn't make sense to me.
It doesn't really flow from beginning to end.
You do a lot of telling and not much showing.
Some of the words are forced.

That's it.

In my article on songwriting, I have a section with the following:

Rule #7 If you have to explain a line to me, you need to re-write it.

Rule #8 Do not confuse profound with vague.

Even with all that you have the basis for a good song and you have some good imagery in there.

You write stream of conciousness right? Try writing all of your thoughts down and them pick and choose a story line from those thoughts. Once you have the storyline written down, go back through your original writing and cut and paste it into the story. Then you get a real flow of ideas without sacrificing your original creative burst.

One more thing, the more vague you want a song to be, the more you need to know the details behind it. You get vague by removing detail, not by starting vague. Do you know what I mean?

What you are doing is very hard and you are doing a good job at it. I'm just trying to help you get better.

...and hey, maybe it works for you just as it is. If it does great.