Y11 W5 - Broken Silence

Hi Andy,

Good start :D

Is this a stream of consciousness? I don't get it. :?

Things I don't know:

Is the person awake or dreaming, is this in her head or is she in physical danger?

Is it dealing with the present or past experience?...so all the ambiguity doesn't draw me in to "make my own story".

I know how it feels to be on your end as the writer where everything is clear, but on this end as a reader, I don't understand....take or leave the comments as you see fit :wink:

James

I'll echo James here. Perhaps a recorded version would help make out the heads from the tails.

Hi Andy

I've read this several times and each time came away with different ideas and interpretations as to what's going on. But also, each time, got hung up on a phrase or even one or two words that truly didn't seem to fit for any reason - like it was a great line from a differrent song that had nothing to do with this one. "Lost dead company town" is a good example. While in and of itself it's a great image, that image (as it stands now) contributes nothing to the rest of the lines, even as a scene setter. And it would be a much more effective scene setter if it started a verse.

The second verse starts out with probably the best line in the song ("Turning pages for something to say") but then lets it flit away by following it up with either phrases so vague they nullifiy the first line ("Paranoid dread of today" and "Desire and panic at play") or by images that totally distract or confound the listener ("muffled tapestry" and "generational flee").

Like the bridge -it's very strong.

Of course, all this might be helped out by the melody and singer's delivery, but I'm currently having a very hard time believing that's possible. That isn't to say there aren't tons of songs that give us seemingly disjointed images and phrases, but they usually have some kind of strong chorus or hook-line to bring everything together.

It will be very interesting to read and hear how this one works out.

Looking forward to more.

Peace

Thanks for all of the comments. Time for a rewrite :D

I changed the verses, here is a very rough demo.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12047114

Chorus
4 AM, Bible in hand
Echoing broken silence
Fears renewed, things they might do
Mothers prayers answer was broken silence
In the chill of the night
In the dread before dawn
In the middle of rest
She was awake at

Verse 1
In silence she rises
Descending creaking stairs
Staid against devil's disguises
Praying her children will realize

Repeat chorus

Verse 2
Silence and solace
in the good book
Angels see dangers
where she can't look

Bridge
Silence is broken by creaking steps
Prayer is broken by seeking doubt
Joy is broken by weeping

Repeat chorus

Hi Andy,

Kudos for getting a recording done. :D You've got some unusual tempo changes, but I still can't make out what is happening. :? ...but I'd be willing to read it if you were inclined to post an explanation....but no pressure, if you prefer not to, that's fine as well.

James

You've got some unusual tempo changes, but I still can't make out what is happening. :? ...but I'd be willing to read it if you were inclined to post an explanation
Can't say the recording was well-thought-out or scored. I did an on-the-fly recording with my initial multipley-edit lyric sheet and a few chords, strikethrus, arrows, and scribbles. So some of the broken rhythm was really just an awkard pause with me getting lost on the page. :lol: Not sure if I want to spend the time untangling it so this one is probably going to the "oh well" "FAWM-on" bin :roll: Thanks for the listen and taking the time to comment. :D

Andy, I was lost in the original version and I'm still lost. That doesn't mean that the song is a lost cause. I think it would be more constructive to try to refine your lyrics a bit before posting. I rarely post the first thing that comes into my head. Write it down and come back to it later to see if it's going to be clear to someone who doesn't start out knowing what the song is about. The comments are likely to be more helpful than just "I don't get it."

OK

I think it would be more constructive to try to refine your lyrics a bit before posting. I rarely post the first thing that comes into my head. Write it down and come back to it later to see if it's going to be clear to someone who doesn't start out knowing what the song is about. The comments are likely to be more helpful than just "I don't get it."
OK

For whatever it's worth, I don't agree.

I think it can be helpful to get input at many levels of the songwriting process. Maybe some writers are better at generating ideas and others are better at finishing and everything in between.

I think it's fine to even post an idea and ask, "Does anyone have an idea where this could lead?"......so I don't agree the first post has to be a well reworked rough draft.....one's best effort....I see that as potentially limiting to one's creative process.

Take or leave what fits, but don't stop posting! :wink:

James