Kaleidoscope Jane
V: He likes girls that are soft and sweet
Like strawberries in the summer heat
Sweet and kind was not what she was
More like hard and cold as blood
C:Kaleidoscope Jane, Kaleidoscope Jane
The minute that he met her he forgot his name
Kaleidoscope Jane, Kaleidoscope Jane
Shed still be smiling in the pouring rain
He likes girls that have long blond hair
Like silk from a maiden that’s fair
She had hair that was short and black
Like the bumper on a cadillac
C:
He loved that girl more than any other
She told him that she loved another
He broke down and started to weep
She just smiled and said so long creep
C:
He got a letter in the mailbox today
It smelled of her in everyway
All it said was you were good to me
Now he can die just as happy as can be
C:
Hi wilcoman,
You have a nice way with words :) Great title, too!
Suggestion:
Consider reworking your metaphor and simile. Remember they should hold truth in them to be believable
For example, blood is not hard. Blood is not cold (unless reptile)
....and Cadillac bumpers are not short and black....are they?
This line comes off pretty negative and contradictory to call someone a "creep" and then write a letter saying "you were good to me"
Maybe something like.....
She just smiled and said don't be weak
But overall, I like the way this is headed.
Thanks for sharing.
James
Your suggestions are right on target. Here are some changes that I came up with for some of the lines.
Revision:
She was hard as a tack and cold as a flood
black...
Like a shadow of a spider’s back
weep...
She just smiled and said don’t be meek
Hi wilcoman,
Much better on the revision.
Suggestion:
Next try to make the imagery fit the scene/character
For example If I was using metaphors about a sailor, I could use concrete images of ships, oceans, storms....but not road
or if I was writing about a trucker I could use road, haul, traffic lights.....but not ship
tack, flood and spider's back are harder to connect and pull the listener out of the moment instead of enhancing the here and now, so look for images in the metaphors that tell us more about the character or scene.
