Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Hi James

Like this a lot. Was actually expecting a trumpet / smallish-big band vibe at the start so was glad to hear it come in later. Can hear a small combo playing this, like a Gypsy Rose Lee song, if one had the time to arrange such a thing.

Not sure the last two lines of the first verse work although I understand that they're there to be a juxtaposition of the importance of appearance as well as the reality of aging (or cosmetic appearance, if you will). But I can't help thinking that the protagonist would probably not work with shabby scarves or nails.

Part of it may be down to starting the lines with "most," as is done in the second verse. Again, doing so makes for a good repetitive hook, so I get why it's there. But I'm just not sure it works. Trying to keep the "most" idea going, you could go with something like this:
She dances a happy dance when she’s happy
She dances a happy dance when she’s not
Most of her routine is still snappy
Most of her dancing is still hot

But I'm not sure that's a good move either! I'm sure you can do better than my attempt!

And obviously you can simply opt out of using "most" to start the lines as you do in verse three. Or you could try to come up with some "most lines for the final verse as well.

As always, looking forward to more.

Hi David,

Thanks for the listen and post. :D
Can hear a small combo playing this, like a Gypsy Rose Lee song, if one had the time to arrange such a thing.

Yes, there was a burlesk, rag-time feel I was imagining.
But I can't help thinking that the protagonist would probably not work with shabby scarves or nails.

Agreed....that brings up an interesting point. I've been trying to do more "showing" then "telling" but here the "showing" did not seem to communicate what I was hoping it would tell.

I was trying to communicate that she is poor
"Most her scarves and nails are shabby"...can't afford better

I pictured her as young poor, dancing not b/c she wants to, but b/c she needs the money, but you got the impression she is aging...

....looks like this needs a bit more twerking....or tweaking :lol:

I also didn't like the departure from the "most" in v3 but I liked the idea...maybe I got an idea too clear in my head and it's hard to communicate "that" idea instead of adjusting the idea to something more deliverable.....

well, I'll keep thinking on this one......

Thanks again,

James

Hi again, James

I think I clued into the "poor" part (the "rent is due" covers that quite well, in fact) (by "showing," I might add) and understood that as related to the nails and scarves but, as mentioned, it just didn't work. Maybe "cheap" (most of her cheap scarves aren't shabby) would be a better demonstrative idea.

Tweak / twerk away. Sounds like a clock...

Looking forward to more.

Peace

understood that as related to the nails and scarves but, as mentioned, it just didn't work.
Ok....good to know :wink:
Tweak / twerk away. Sounds like a clock...
:P

POOF Changes made :mrgreen: 2 times :roll:

Ok, David, I went with the aging strip tease performer. I liked how "snappy" served as a "dated" word to go along with the idea of one past their prime.

Thanks for the suggestions :D

....on with the show! :wink:

Hello James,

I'm a little late to the party to offer a review but I've been wanting to get involved in this forum so better late than never…

The first time I read through your lyrics they evoked a feeling of tawdry sadness that set me up for some of the more direct lines and those contrasting feelings got stronger with the revisions. I also really like the last line "She keeps a rotor by the tub"." Because it follows "Shaves her legs and does her hairdo" it first seems redundant and then a moment later it again evokes a sense of desperation suggesting that she feels pretty miserable about her life and is considering a more final and tragic solution.

I've been wanting to get involved in this forum so better late than never…
Never too late to give feedback :wink:
"She keeps a rotor by the tub"." Because it follows "Shaves her legs and does her hairdo" it first seems redundant and then a moment later it again evokes a sense of desperation suggesting that she feels pretty miserable about her life and is considering a more final and tragic solution.

Yes, you are spot on with what I was going for :mrgreen: .....sorry the line got cut (pun intended :P )

If I can come with a couple new lines for the v1, the original last verse could be kept and it could be about a young dancer dealing with poverty, shame, despair, and bordering on suicide.

Thanks for the listen and feedback :D

James

James, I think you've captured the mood very well in verse and music, except for the last line of the last verse:

"Most just leave with who they brought."

I don't picture a lot of women being in this place. It's not where you would take someone on a date.

James, I think you've captured the mood very well in verse and music, except for the last line of the last verse:

"Most just leave with who they brought."

I don't picture a lot of women being in this place. It's not where you would take someone on a date.

Agreed. It was a stretch in my mind to see how that would work out. Thanks for catching me on it.... :wink:

POOF Changes made :mrgreen:

Most just call her Ms. Bangkok.......and.......Most of her costumes still hot