hey. I wrote the first one right after reading the assignment, it's just a stupid supposed-to-be-fun song...post it anyway for my second(more serious) attempt seems to miss the topic slightly(it was about place A to place B, about really getting there, right?)... anyways here you go:
long story short
It started on porcelain
I was trying to get the upper hand in a row
It kept escaping me though
All of a sudden I was pierced by a fork and lifted to higher realms
Their reek was most unholy if you might allow me that judgement
Instead of gigantic spikes black gaps awaited me
It was then I realized sometimes you're scared of nothing
Like a fear you can't name
Look at me, I'm faint now, but even alive I wasn't very resilient,
I was labeled a coward by my own mum
She'd have won all her bets; I was swallowed in a nanosec
Now I'm stuck in a cave with the entrance showing up above every so often
But I'm too small and weak to get where I need to be
Before all this poor-quality air leaves me eternally
This rumbling stomach unhinges me greatly
Imagine trying to catch some sleep here!
Why me, who has lived through the second great war
Man, I just hope I caused you some decent nausea
work-home-work. weekend.
It's bad enough to never have seen a solar eclipse
But even worse to miss every sunrise
Because you're at work all the time
And when you stumble home, the skies are of a darker blue
You're just waiting for the weekend
I'm just pining for the weekend
Then I'm at your place, my smile'll spread
As I watch the light spill over your face
The cedars in your garden may gleam wet from the morning
Yet I will again have missed the sunrise for morning equals noon in your room
Finally reached the middle of the week, still days to go
Looking up from the mess of sheets I'd swear
These leaves weren't yellow just hours ago
And when I stumble home, the skies are of a darker blue
I'm just aching for the weekend
You're signing up for a weekend
Then you'll fall asleep, knowing I'll be
Close, watching over you as you dream
The birds in your garden may sing alive from the morning
Yet you'll again miss the sunrise for morning equals noon in your room
so...there you have it... I dunno.... maybe you like it... maybe you don't... I don't even know if I do...
cheers,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
hmm....where to begin.....
The first song struck me as being more free-form poetry....nothing wrong with that, if yu can put music to it......some good lines in there...but it 's kind of let down by the very last line...."Man, I just hope I age caused you some decent nausea " - either you haven't translated it to English, correctly or I'm not reading it correcyly, either way, it doesnt make sense....
second song is classic BNA....only one line I have a little trouble with, that's "Yet I will again have missed the sunrise for morning equals noon in your room" ... seems altogether too wordy and a little forced ...
maybe if you changed it to something like,
"Yet again I'll miss the sunrise,
For morning never shows in your room"......
or even
"Yet again the sunrise passed us by,
The morning never lightened our gloom"....
Just a suggestion....feel free to totally ignore me, I'm having a bad day, I got up this morning...or rather, I tried to get up this morning, couldn't stand up, got back in bed, and that's where I'm staying till I'm feeling better.....and as for food, forget it.....Marilyn said she'll make me some Chicken Noodle soup (Bless Her!!!!) but what I really need is about 18 hours sleep.....
anyway, waffling aside, nice lyrics, nice flow....apart from that one line!,,,
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Actually, I thought the morning equals noon in your room line was kinda cool. But I didn't get the "I age...." line either in the other song. I'm guessing too, it was either a translation error or a typo, though admittedly, with your stuff sometimes it's hard for me to tell. No offense. Like your "long story short" title but don't get what this means:
I was trying to get the upper hand in a row
Wait, now reading on, I realize I don't get any of it. Are you a piece of food getting eaten? I have no clue. Sorry.
It's bad enough to never have seen a solar eclipse
But even worse to miss every sunrise
Like that a lot.
Because you're at work all the time
And when you stumble home, the skies are of a darker blue
That's nice too.
And the morning equaling noon line I gather to mean that your significant other sleeps till noon everyday and misses a lot of life. I like that line a lot, and I got the second song much better. Hey, could you do me a favor and dissect your first song for me and explain it, whenever you have time? Maybe if I understood what you meant I might be able to appreciate your lyrics like so many on here seem to. I feel like I'm missing something, maybe something great. I don't know. If you could do that for me, that would be great. Thanks.
Joe
hey.
dammit, of course " I age" was a typo(I had "I hope my age caused you..." first)...sorry for that, edited it.
your suggestions are nice, vic, but don't say what I wanted to say, which is that noon is morning in his room because he sleeps so long that when he wakes up it is already 12 am or something and for other people it's noon but he calls it morning.
I feel sorry for you having a bad day.... send this rude day over here so I can kick it. how dare it trouble you? glad you got such a kind wife. hope you'll get better soon(remember my fingers? still crossed tightly).
Are you a piece of food getting eaten? I have no clue.
joe, don't say you have no clue, that is exactly what it is about. a piece of food getting eaten.(and you got the "morning equals noon" line right, too) the line you mentioned, about the row, is just stupid, like maybe a potato falling on a carrot and the carrot trying to get out but then the fork comes and instead of teeth("spikes") there's just "black gaps"(the person got no teeth anymore) and then it's in the stomach kind of being sulky.
nothing much to interprete or understand. a food story :lol:
I hope this helped you a bit, if not keep asking;)
thank you for commenting :D
cheers,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
I was a bit confused bout the first song, until I read your comments. I was searching for some underlying depths, but it's about food only. And hey - it's making a journey. Very original! But yeah, having some difficulties seeing it as a song.
The second song's got some great scenery I like. And it's easier to understand, to hear as a song. Nice work!
Hi Blue,
I got the first one pretty much straight away, which I quite like to be honest :D , but I agree with Vic is more of a poem than a song.
The second song, now you're starting to talk my language in terms of structure :D :D . I really like the way you've linked stanza's 1 & 4, 2 & 5, 3 & 6 together using similar lines, very subtle but very nice.
Well done
pb
Well, as previously explained, I am slow as heck. I didnt get the first one at all until more posts came in. But once I understood the food thing, not only did I get it but I liked it.
The second one I really like.
I never feel very productive cause I dont have alot of helpful comments but good job..
Geoo
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
I never feel very productive cause I dont have alot of helpful comments but good job..
Geoo
I'm the same way geoo. It's cause most everyone else beats me to posting. But all the same. :D
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming -- "WOW--What a Ride!"
I never feel very productive cause I dont have alot of helpful comments but good job..
Geoo I'm the same way geoo. It's cause most everyone else beats me to posting. But all the same.
hey, never mind, when I find the time to reply to someone else's posts I'm rarely ever able to give any useful advice/comments... but saying you like it or just dropping a line of how you feel about it is good, too. I for one welcome every post, no matter how long or short or giving advice/making suggestions or not. feel free to comment;)
yeah, I don't know, the first one might be a poem rather than a song, I just wanted to post it anyway. glad you like it and really happy you like the second one for it means something to me. I think I quite like it by now, too :wink:
thanks everyone
cheers,
bluenightangel
p.s. thanks pbee, I'm glad to hear you see a structure and like it :D
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
