hey:)
where has all my spare time gone? anyone seen it? been missing it for ages... anyways, the following was inspired by different things, first I had the part about the trees&the battery which was inspired by staring out of the window during lessons. but what really got me going to write was looking up "midge" in the dictionary, I came across "map out" there which inspired me to write two lines I unfortunately could not use here. but these two lines made me think of travelling by train and there it was.
Seep out spirit
The watch of the man I'm facing
Tells me it's already past seven
And this train is moving on and on
I'm beginning to think I missed the station
The telephone fails to reach you
My only distraction is the window / My mouth's dry so I'm left with the window
When the wheels grow tired, too
These blurs dissolve into something new
And I'm disillusioned
It's a rough descent / It's a let down (instead of the previous two lines)
There's no balance in the trees
Tear off these lonely leaves
Or grow them shady peaks back completely
Maybe then this battery will stop to leak
It's just the tiniest creek, but ever so poisoning…
[There's a war between my eyelids and me
As the world proceeds out of reach
Leaving but a vague impression/With a brutality you can't clone
And the wheels have the most crushing baritone]
alright, I'm not really sure about the title, I also had "seep out courage" and "the most crushing baritone". what do you think?
the latter would only be an option if I leave the reddish bracketed part in, which I'm not sure if I should?
the other brown part is also something I'm not sure about, if I should leave it in.
the green parts are alternative lines.
I know, a lot of insecurity/indescision this time, so please ... could you help me out?
thanks in advance
cheers,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Hi Bluenightangel,
It's been awhile since Ive critiqued one of your works.
I apologize for that it's just that you always make me
think hard about what I'm reading. Lately thinking
that hard hasn't been my strong point.
Anyways back to your song which is very good and
in true BNA style.
I would say keep the reddish part and drop all the
parts in green. The original lines are great.
Although I would save "With a brutality you can't clone"
for another song because it is a interesting line in itself.
Maybe then this battery will stop to leak
It's just the tiniest creek, but ever so poisoning…
I'm don't understand what you mean by this but it could be that
I'm not sure about how you mean the word battery.
It has different meanings.
And the wheels have the most crushing baritone
I like this line but think it could be more descriptive something
like;
And the wheels sing their most crushing baritone
I think the title fine but also like the Crushing Baritone idea.
John
i really like the entire thing but the parts that stick out the most to me were the first to, very descriptive and somehow easy to relate to?
i agree with whoever is above me to keep the red lines and drop the green i like the origionals best
Im also not sure how you would put a chord progression to this considering ive never heard anything near its style beore but i am interested to see if u put an Mp3 up and where you go with it.
chec out my music
http://www.myspace.com/spencerbeasleymusic
pm if u like it or send me a message on myspace
i had a little trouble with the "Battery" section, it could be construed any number of ways....but maybe you meant it to be deliberately vague and ambiguous?
In the second section, I'd keep the line
"My only distraction is the window" and lose the green line.....
No reason at all why you couldn't keep "And I'm disillusioned, It's a rough descent, It's a let down" in its entirety.... works OK for me
The last part I'm not too sure about.....maybe something like
"There's a war between my eyelids and me (That line brought a smile!!!!)
As the world RECEDES from reach,
With brutality that can't be cloned,
As the wheels rasp out their deadly baritone...."
(Deadly in the sense of mind-sapping, brain-numbing if you like....)
It's very good overall, gives me a sense of being on a tedious journey....never quite sure if you're going to reach your destination or not....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi BA
I like this the way you have written it ...
The battery line as mention above well... does it really have to make sense to everyone ?
take
"Why does always rain on me " maybe because you only go out side "WHEN IT'S RAINING " maybe .....or the singer is a big time loser ?????
That song makes no sense to me , and it sold millions all over the world .
good writting Blue
Hilch
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
hi all:) glad you liked it :D
the battery thing is pretty simple, it's just like my heart if you will, it's leaking, like something's missing and it's not yet so big a hole that anyone else would realize it but it's "poisoning". the title hints at that, too- spirit seeping out.
as you all agree on losing the green parts, ok, then that's a clear thing:)
the celt, don't worry, I mean I'm always happy to have you replying to one of my posts, but it's ok if you can't.
beans, I'm sorry, but at the moment it doesn't seem very likely for this piece to be set to music anytime soon(or ever). I'm really poor at composing and it's almost always very hard for me to do... but if this should become a song someday, I'll sure post the mp3.
vic, I like your suggestions for the last part, "recedes from reach" is a lot better. the last line is good, too, but I'm very fond of "the most crushing baritone" so this might not be me choice. :wink:
wow, you have been very helpful&nice. thank you all! :D
cheers,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
