Chords of doubt weigh you down
He let his hair down
Strummed the chords of doubt
And walked into snowdrifts
Half-naked
He confused reality and dream
Ignored my carousel trees
And staggered through nightshifts
As if he deserved it
I asked him not to clench his fist
Like a bad habit he could not quit
I disapproved of his constant frown
Showed him this ribbon tumbling down
From a cotton cloud balloon
His fingers could lose grip soon
I told him, who seemed lost in the tune
I once gave him this knowledge
Like a treasure to keep
And when we met upon sunset
He was relieved.
i for one quite like this version.. but i would like to have the last bit more present tense maybe... i dunno.. can't explain myself.
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Hey Straycat
I know what you are saying here but it does sound a bit iffy { if you get my meaning }
And when we met upon sunset
He was relieved. <--------{ mmmm I don't how to put this nicely sounds like he mmm had a pee ....like he relieved himself }
And when we met upon sunset
He was in disbelief { ???? }
And when we met upon sunset
His heart was relieved ( ???)
And when we met upon sunset
His love was released ( ?????)
And when we met upon sunset
We were relieved ( ?????) < still sus abit
And when we met upon sunset
His doubts were released
Just a few options that come to mind of course its your song and please don't be offended by my feed back I just wanted to point out how that line came across to me ...
That is my only suggestion maybe you could re-visit that last line ? If you don't think it comes across like I mentioned thats kool also after all it is your work
Cheers
Trevor
( aka Barnabus Rock / Hilch ) I can't remember my pass word
.........double space ..........
I am aso known as Barnabus Rock ...Hilch ....ummmm yeah thats it
Great re-write - works even better for me than the first re-write.....but....I agree with Trevor about the last verse.....
Maybe instead of this....
"I once gave him this knowledge
Like a treasure to keep
And when we met upon sunset
He was relieved"
something like this (keeping the rhyming scheme from the first re-write....) might work....
"I once gave him this knowledge
Like a treasure for his mind,
And when we met at the setting sun,
He did unwind...."
One other little thing - this line.....
"His fingers could lose grip soon" seems to be in the wrong tense.....(the rest of the verse is looking back, in the past tense, but this line seems to be looking into the future and what MIGHT happen....) it should really be something like "his fingers could have lost their grip too soon" - seems like a mouthful and a bit too wordy, but it could fit....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
hi:-)
uh trevor! i never would've thought of that! - so it's good you brought that up. is it really what most people would associate with "relieved" right away?
i think i am rather going vic's way... back to an older version
oh and thank you very much, vic, i have been wondering about the tense there... but could not for the life of me think of something better...
your solution sounds right to my non-mother-tongue-ear;-)
thanks for that. always happy to learn such things.
....thank you both.
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Its' funny you say that Stray cat as it was the first thing I thought of when I read it ...
Different people different thoughts ...
I was just trying to find a better way of saying what you had thats' all
Cheers
Trevor
.........double space ..........
I am aso known as Barnabus Rock ...Hilch ....ummmm yeah thats it
