hey. not really happy with neither of these, but anyways.
darkling pacified
on the steps of a lighthouse deserted
my darkling heart lowered its pace
for the second time in weeks
a seagull soars above me
she's not braving the wind
she's succumbing to it
she comes to a halt
some feet above the sea
i am at the centre of the storm now, it seems
i am calm now
with the waves raging around me
a moment of peace
with the lighthouse behind me
[if the distance had been at the root of this sad crippled oak
i would have taken you there
for a one-night-escape ] (or should it be spelled like this: one-night escape?)
Frozen trees and a shadow lingering
Frozen trees on my way to work
Thaw these dream-drunken limbs,
As my breath becomes visible
So do I
And as a grown man slides on a puddle (how do you say this? he was skating on a frozen puddle? gliding? is sliding more like tripping, falling?)
My heart spills all over the street
I should know better
Too many have stepped on it
And perception of colours is subjective
I walk a few steps behind
And most of the time am comfortable here
Arranging the colours till lime disappears
But it's in every second note
That Conor hums into my ear
Some songs I have to turn off
Their beauty used to comfort me
But now they're smeared with water and salt
You walked out on this city
Now don't turn your head,
With your hand in another
Run, run faster
I don't want this sad shadow
To linger here ever after
oh boy, i am really unhappy with these. :x the first one probably fits the assignment better... but :?
anyways.
have a beautiful christmas with snow outside and candles inside
don't forget the cookies :D
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
i think there's hope for these especially the second. there's some nice imagery there. you could rework the idea using the imagery of ice and salt and tripping as a theme that you keep coming back to.
frozen trees thaw my dream-drunk limbs,
You walked out on this city
With your hand in anothers
Run, run faster
I don't want this sad shadow
To linger here ever after
(something about icicles here)
I see you from a few steps behind
comfortable, arranging the colours till they disappear
But it's in every second note
That Conor hums into my ear
my heart trips all over the broken ice
Some songs I have to turn off
Their beauty used to comfort me
But now they're frozen in the ice
i'm thinking Sounds of Silence here.
hey :)
thank you for the input, I'll give it a try when I am a bit more distant to the piece. right now i can't see for all the trees :D
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
i like these lines the best:
Some songs I have to turn off
Their beauty used to comfort me
But now they're frozen in the ice
maybe you should write another song around those lines.
You have been busy this holiday period!
And as a grown man slides on a puddle. (how do you say this? he was skating on a frozen puddle? gliding? is sliding more like tripping, falling?
Yes, slides sounds more like unintentional, slip up. glide is better.
You might want more of a hint that the puddle is frozen which will help strengthen the image.
Cheers
Ola
“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh
