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Y7W43 My Tattoos

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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

UPDATED VERSION

Y7W43 My Tattoos

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=8012561

Everybody has a story it seems
A story close to their hearts
Some wear emotions on their sleeves
Others wear body art
Somewhere on this side of Heaven
A spirit waits to be born
Ink to paper is thoughtful
Ink to flesh hardcore

Everybody has a dream they dream
A fantasy deep with in
Some keep it matted in a picture frame
Others wear it on their skin
Somewhere between butterflies and dragons
Are stories never told before
Ink to paper is thoughtful
Ink to flesh hardcore

Chorus
I chose you we're made for each other
You and me win or lose
I said no to all the others
so I could say yes to you
2X
My tattoos

Everybody is a canvas of skin
Waiting for Father Time
He journals life's journey with stretch marks, wrinkles
Crow's feet and laugh lines
But some souls are older; some stories bolder
Like marks on a sacred door
Ink to paper is thoughtful
Ink to flesh hardcore

=================================================
ORIGINAL VERSION
Everybody has a story it seems
A story close to their hearts
Some wear emotions on their sleeves
Others wear body art
Somewhere in between the life on hold
Waits a liberation to be born
Ink to paper is thoughtful
Ink to flesh is hardcore

Everybody has a dream they dream
A fantasy deep with in
Some keep it in a picture frame
Others wear it on their skin
Somewhere in between butterflies and dragons
Is a story never told before
Ink to paper is thoughtful
Ink to flesh is hardcore

Chorus
I chose you we're made for each other
You and me win or lose
I said no to all the others
so I could say yes to you
2X
My tattoos

Not everybody's as they seem
An epidermis matrix of facts
Some keep photos of the journey
Others wear them on their backs
Somewhere in between the cradle and grave
Waits the sacred waits the door
Ink to paper is thoughtful
Ink to flesh is hardcore

Chorus


   
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 KR2
(@kr2)
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

A good song to me has a good melody and a rhythm . . . if the rhythm is good, you find yourself tapping your foot or you feel inclined to dance . . . a good bass line helps bring out the rhythm.
Harmony and lyrics would be the next two ingredients.

That's my recipe for a good song . . . at least how I analyze it.

So, lyrics would be fourth on my list.

This song has a good melody and a nice rhythm.
But, in some places, the lyrics are being forced . . . it sounds like the words are being rushed in an attempt to fit the beat . . . in some places.

Here's one place that happens:

Somewhere in between the life on hold
Waits a liberation to be born

Just my thoughts on what I heard.
As usual, I'm amazed you can crank out songs on a weekly basis.

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi James,
I think the main comment I have with this song is that there appears to be multiple themes going on here, 1) there is the commentary of documenting ones life and 2) in the chorus there is this confession of love for the tattoo. You could argue I suppose that the main theme is the choice to go with the hardcore documentation versus the lesser form but that theme is not immediately obvious to me because of shift in style and content between the verses and chorus. Having said all that the song works and is structurally sound (no pun intended).

Cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@chris-c)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 3454
 

As usual, I'm amazed you can crank out songs on a weekly basis.

+1 to that! :mrgreen:

Lots of good stuff, here as usual. My only reservation was wondering whether some of the lyrics could be accurately interpreted by ear alone - e.g. "An epidermis matrix of facts" - I had to pop next door and borrow a cup of spare brain cells to get my head round that one... But I guess not everything needs to be up front with lyrics. :wink:

Cheers,

Chris


   
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(@stikman)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 237
 

Hi James, glad to see you are still at it. Good song and like someone else pointed out some forced lines.
But I think with a little tweaking of the phrasing or as you get more familiar with the song you just wrote
they will work themselves out.

An epidermis matrix of facts. It is taking me a few minutes to figure out what this means and I don't
think it rings true as tattoos are not always a representation of facts. In fact I would say that they mostly
represent illusion with the exception of say "Mother". But it is an interesting use of words that flows when
you sing them so I guess it's up to you. :|

Somewhere in between butterflies and dragons. If I may relay a quick story this line reminded me of
a clean cut young structural engineer I used to work with that met a wild child girl. It was probably his
first serious girlfriend and to commemorate it he had this huge world and wizard installed across his back.
It was obvious he was under the influence of the girl. Two weeks later they were split. I felt so bad for the
guy. Strange how songs elicit random memories.

"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc

"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

POOF :mrgreen: Changes made!

Hey Ken,

Thanks so much for the feedback
A good song to me has a good melody and a rhythm . . .
This is good news to me b/c this was the specific area I am trying to improve.....ok yes, the lyrics suffered, but I figured I would throw out a half-baked idea instead of nothing. Now that I have had some time to rethink the lyrics, I think the revised draft should be better.

Thanks again for sharing your insight. :D

Hi Paul,
there appears to be multiple themes going on here,
You did great on the decoding. I actually pushed ahead without my typical "story" in place, b/c as I focused too much on making my verses more interesting, I started drying up on ideas, so I just went ahead without the story in place. The rewrite adds a bit more, but it is really more just point of view, than story telling.

Thanks for the feedback. :wink:

Hi Chris,
"An epidermis matrix of facts"
:lol: Yes, this line got nowhere near to expressing the idea I was thinking.... I tried to spell it out a bit more in the rewrite, but basically, our bodies will be "marked" by time....and there is a saying along the lines of wrinkles telling one's story....so maybe people with tattoos have a story they want to share before the wrinkles because they are older on the inside than the outside b/c of a dramatic life experience or there body houses and "old" soul ....I still didn't fully express the idea, but as I mentioned to Paul, it's more idea painting than story telling.

Thanks for the post :D

Hi Ernie,
Great to see you posting again!
It is taking me a few minutes to figure out what this means and I don't
think it rings true as tattoos are not always a representation of facts.
No worries. I was in one way hinting at people with tattoos are more proactive to tell/share their life stories through their tattoos rather than being passive and waiting for Father Time to tell their stories through wrinkles.....As I mentioned to Chris, I got side tracked with the rhythm instead of hammering out clarity in the details.

I will have to be off to bed so I can have a fresh look at yours and others' posts tomorrow.Somewhere in between butterflies and dragons. Thanks for sharing that story. I love to hear about those kind of connections between songwriting and others' experiences.
Thanks for the listen and critique! :wink:

Thanks all for the listens and posts. I am eager to hear any feedback you have time to give on the revised version.

James


   
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(@stikman)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 237
 

I like the rewrite James. The new verse is deep. Makes me have to think. :idea:

"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc

"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Thanks, Ernie! :D


   
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