Hi :) Really tried for last week but my bits and pieces haven't made it into presentable shapes yet :wink: So here goes an attempt on this week's assignment in which I forgot to focus on the hero :lol:
double bird strike
a flock of birds
on each side of us
and I thought she would
press her face to the windowpane
and love every one of them
then the engines,
they failed us
and I thought they might
have wondered why they're up in the sky
heavy weight dream less, like
you who used to stop midair to doubt
left pirouettes prey to gravity
and I thought I should
not have been that rushed
on the phone when we spoke last
meanwhile,
a flock of birds
on each side of us
fell to pieces
panic in the
window seats
sleepers woke
in between
and I looked up from yesterday
to see Hudson River moving in on us
safe in the boat,
I watched Sully
walk the plane twice
and I thought I must
tell you about one pair of broken legs
and how we survived a double bird strike.
.... not really happy with this one, but nevermind :D
Cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
....not really happy with this one....
Don't know why - reads fine to me. Not only have you managed to get the story across, but you've done it in your own style, all the usual imagery's in place.
I wasn't 100% sure about these lines....
"meanwhile,
a flock of birds
on each side of us
fell to pieces".....
they seem slightly at odds with the actual title, although on second read it doesn't actually say the birds were all killed or how many - and geese fly in formation anyway, so the formation would be shattered - guess I just got a slightly misleading first impression.
One other tiny thing....
"safe in the boat,
I watched Sully
walk the plane twice".....
As you're writing from the POV of a passenger on flight 1549, maybe it'd be better to say "I watched the Captain" - Sully just seems a little informal from that particular POV, as if you know him well - I know the Captain always introduces himself, but I bet not many people remember his name - particularly at a time of stress like that!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hey Vic,
thank you! You got two very good points there. "Sully" will be replaced by "the Captain" or "him" and "fell to pieces" might better be "was shattered"
:D
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Reads fine to me also. :D
meanwhile,
a flock of birds
on each side of us
fell to pieces
I like this part...I thought you could come back to the idea again but give it a different meaning the second time
screaming passangers
on each side of me
fell to pieces
I think you got the gist of the story in very few words too!
James
