Hi. Yay, an assignment that doesn't demand a guitar :D Hope this is not too confusing. Here goes:
Frost bites
I took the snow from outside the window into our home
You took the words right out of my mouth
You picked them one by one, like a dentist
or a cyclist in November
after a slide on an iced puddle
wherein I taped the sky once
he looked up to see apples in leafless boughs of muted trees
and into his pockets
and into plastic bags
laid them one by one, with care
or exquisite brutality
I took the snow from outside the window into our home
With chapped hands
You took the words right out of my mouth
When I was gasping for breath
And whichever way you lie, the syllables
won't make sense to someone
walking in footprints, hat low, collar high
from the bus stop to the train
not looking up to see paper stars in windows to rooms
where we lie
with ears wide
open to the voice of a woman from days
of cheesecake with marmalade
as she plants orphan words inside our ribcage
where they sing and cannot be felled
for you can't reach
here
with your knife or butterfly net.
There are some spots where the grammar/context is most certainly very odd- e.g. slide, iced puddle, felled... couldn't think of better alternatives and as it is already Sunday, I thought I'd better post anyway :wink: The credits for the beautiful phrase "orphan words" goes to Chris C (found in the feedback thread) :D
Cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
You forgot to mention Lucy in the Sky . . . with diamonds . . . for eyes. :mrgreen:
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Hi. Yay, an assignment that doesn't demand a guitar.
Mea culpa - never thought about you not having a guitar in Sweden until after I'd planned the first couple of weeks out. Sorry!
Hope this is not too confusing
Guess again.......... :oops:
I got the general idea, and the mood, but I got a bit lost....
"wherein I taped the sky once" - I'm totally lost with that line, wondering if something's been lost in translation? And the next line - "he looked up to see apples in leafless boughs of muted trees" seems a little confused - I'd have thought the apples came off the trees before the leaves in autumn?
There's no-one on this forum got your command of imagery - I just wonder sometimes if you're overusing it, though, to the point where the meaning of the song is too deeply hidden? As always, there are some haunting phrases here..."exquisite brutality" - "walking in footprints, hat low, collar high" to name but a couple....
There are other good points, too - I liked the way you extended the opening lines the second time you used them, and I love the ending - but overall, I'm just missing the point - who's the woman from days of cheesecake with marmalade?
Maybe it's just me, I don't know....but you might have to explain this one for me....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Here come the spoilers :wink: I agree, I have overused the imagery here, but the thing is, it wasn't really on purpose.. don't know where those tongue-twisters came from :D I'll try my best to untangle the mess in my head before posting next time!
Basic idea: having something to hold onto deep inside, so deep no one can take it away - as opposed to situations where you wear your heart on your sleeve (that is the words on your tongue) and anyone can take it (them) away. But the words won't mean the same/anything to anyone else (especially not to people who walk around with blinkers and are only focusing on their steps).
Taped the sky: recording its reflection in a puddle with a video camera (yes, not half as magical as cutting clouds out of paper and taping them onto the frozen puddle)
The apples the cyclist sees in leafless trees: I know, totally odd, but I swear I saw apples in leafless trees just down the street here some weeks ago!
The woman from days of cheescake: Astrid Lindgren used to read her stories herself, you can still buy the CDs and it's infinitely comforting to listen to them. In a book about her childhood they wrote about the custom of bringing cheescakes as presents to parties and because the host couldn't try all of them, she used to cut out a circle of the middle to taste and the hole was then filled with marmelade. But it really doesn't matter if you get that reference... I just meant to refer to a person reading who makes you feel secure.
Hope that made it clearer :D
Sorry for being such a pandemonium.
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Hope that made it clearer
Yep! Don't get me wrong, I love the way you throw a veritable blizzard of images at the reader - but sometimes those images are so intense and so one-after-the-other they just flash by in a blur without connecting, almost like subliminal images....
All I'd say is, try not to make your references too obscure - for instance, now I know who the woman with cheesecake is, I can connect to the image, where before I was scratching my head, thinking, "eh? what? Who's she? How did she get there?" - by which time, the song's moved on and left me floundering in its wake....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
