This would be my first attempt at putting any words or ideas into some sort of form. If any one has any ideas fire away, i am a complete novice and just ran with this this morning. Have not tried any music or chords, just kind of thought of a Charlie/Bruce Robison storytelling type song.
Saturday night I was tending bar,
you came in again to heal a new scar
Later on all your friends were in, t
hey always know when you'll need em again
I've heard all your pain and never said a word,
after all I'd probably sound absurd.
But if I had spoken up and tried to help instead,
I know what I would've said.
For 3 years you came in when he was out on the rigs,
drowning in whiskey and chain smoking cigs
I'd offer you a light and pour you a drink
and then step back start to think
Think how could anyone hurt a girl like you,
one I'd kill for if you only knew
He came in with you a couple of times,
I swear I almost spoke my mind
You didn't remember but late that night
you told me the story about the last fight
You even rolled up a sleeve so I could see,
and I promised you I'd set you free
Your friends weren't there this time
i made sure he'd left and gave you a ride
I got you home and the whiskey put you to sleep
right before I started to speak
When you picked up your car the next day
I knew what I was supposed to say
you had forgotten that I was there to help
when you were here all by yourself
You said thanks for the drinks the night before
smiled and walked out the door.
When you left you paused almost like you remembered,
but once again I couldn't say a word
He came in the next day with a couple of friends,
boasting and I knew he'd done it again
I knew you were somewhere hurt
I began to reel and everything was blurred
Maybe if I'd said something way back when,
I wouldn't have to kill him in the end
But he ordered another whiskey and coke,
and this was the time I finally spoke.
I'd pulled a gun from under the bar that night
and now I'm in a cell doing time
i'd told myself I'd kill for you
if that was what I really needed to do
I never got the courage or you know
just how far it was I'd go
You're free and i'm here rehearsing what I'll finally say
if I ever get the chance to see you someday.
edub
Yep, with the exception of the last couple of lines it scans ok so you should be able to fit it to a rhythm without any problems.
It's very good. Very long, but very good nonetheless. I wonder if maybe the hero should be on death row rehearing his final words, which is how I would have written that last verse, but otherwise I think it's fine.
A :-)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
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I like it.
I'm picturing someone slowly and sadly strumming their guitar as they tell this story.
I too thought the last words being rehearsed would be for his plea to the judge but then . . .
if he killed for her, it made perfectly good sense . . . that he would be thinking of her (guys never learn).
Good job and welcome to SSG.
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Welcome edub. That's pretty nice for a first try!
I think your line lengths fit to a good consistent rhythm and none of your rhymes sound forced. That's really something to be proud of - I've seen many an experienced songwriter struggling with the trap of forced rhymes - so I think you have some genuine talent inside you on that front. Well done! I also like the fact that the last line of every verse is shorter. It will keep listeners on their toes and give them a reference point.
About the structure: your song is unusual because it has only verses, no chorus. I can only think of a small handful of songs that have been hits with such a structure (mainly Bob Dylan). You would need a strong melody to pull it off. Also you need to think about the length. As good as the lyrics and storytelling are, with 6 verses, your listeners might get bored if there is not some musical variety or changeup during or between the verses. I think a musical interlude could be fine (for some reason I'm hearing this as an Irish jig).
Anyway, the next step is adding music and I encourage you to throw yourself into it - being a singer-songwriter should only make you better as a songwriter!
First off, welcome to SSG - always good to see a new face in here!
Saturday night I was tending bar,
you came in again to heal a new scar
Great opening lines - a real attention grabber. Sucked me in straight away, gave me a rough idea where the song was heading in 15 words. That's a pretty neat trick, I'd love to be able to pull it off more than once in a blue moon!
So, attention having been grabbed, I read the rest of the song. At first I'm thinking Dylan, along the lines of "Hurricane" although that's more personalised. Further into it, I'm thinking more along Johnny Cash lines - it's more the kind of story he'd tell, more first person...then the last verse seems a little out of place.
So then I read the comments - seems we all agree, you've got something pretty good going here, just a little unfinished. I'm thinking along the lines others have mentioned - put the narrator on Death Row for the last verse. It doesn't need an awful lot of work....maybe something like,
(Original)..........................................................(Suggestion)
I'd pulled a gun from under the bar that night ................I pulled a gun from under the bar that night,
and now I'm in a cell doing time"................................Now I'm in a cell, haven't (ain't) got much time,"
i'd told myself I'd kill for you....................................I'd told myself I'd kill for you
if that was what I really needed to do..........................What I really meant was, I'd die for you
I never got the courage or you know............................I stood up to him like a man should've done,
just how far it was I'd go.........................................Should've used my fists instead of a (the?) gun
You're free and i'm here rehearsing what I'll finally say......But I set you free he's no longer frightening,
if I ever get the chance to see you someday...................And now I'm ready to ride the lightning
Just suggestions, obviously - feel free to use/ignore as you see fit.
For a first try, this is excellent....The rhythm's good, the story's good, all it needs (IMO) is a little tweaking - it's a song that could be done a few different ways, but I'll stick with my first instincts and say half Dylan, half Cash - maybe country flavoured folk/blues?
Looking forward to reading more from you - you've done the hardest part, you've jumped in at the deep end - and this is a loooooong way from a sinker! All you've got to do now is put some music to it....I know, not the easiest part, but the way this is structured - eight lines per verse - gives you plenty of room to work. It'd fit a standard 12-bar blues form - or maybe that 12-bar blues theme a la Dylan, for instance, "Tangled Up In Blue"
Great start - MORE!
:D :D :D
Vic
and for "
perhaps.... "
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Thanks for all the feedback, i'm looking forward to working on it. I'll work on the things pointed out, it was all very helpful, looking forward to learning more from this group. Thank you all again for the help and feedback and I'll look forward to this weeks topic, and tweaking this one.
Great story telling and suggestions posted as well.
