Y8 Wk 28 - Lover's Pain

Jaythejoker

Nice job.

I definately felt your alienation...I mean it seems that the song is about someone who has a relationship with him that just doesn't "get" him. So the subject is always a dissappointment or a "pain" to the "lover."

There is a tie that binds them together though? ehh?

My thoughts on rhyming...well its nice when its not too overdone...otherwise it just starts to sound like "roses are red violets are blue..." but what do I know...I cant even punctuate

Take care

Jeff

Jay
I definitely felt your alienation...

I have to agree with that!

I've taken a very similar route on this assignment so it not
being dead on to the assignment works well for me.
Unfortunately I got a chorus written and then dried up.

A couple of small points:

Your rhyme scheme seems to alternate throughout the song.
This may be intentional and not hearing what you have in mind
musically it may work.
Otherwise I would suggest tightening it up some.

I like the reference to "a lover's pain" but might suggest something like:

I feel a lover's pain or And I feel a lover's pain.

Just some thoughts

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

Hi Jay,

Good start :D Depends on the style and delivery, it might be over-rhymed, but might not be. On a positive note, I don't see any lines that are twisted around for rhyme's sake...they all look fairly conversational....and that's a good thing :wink:

Suggestions:

#1 Consider clarifying the relationship....Are they together while he has grown and she hasn't....OR.....is he trying to start a relationship but she is not interested?

#2 Try to fit your lines "in character" a bit more For example "Cause I'm too intelligent" would probably not be said as a positive but more like "Cause I'm too NERDY......Cause I'm A BOOK WORM......Cause I'm A WACKED BRAINIAC...unless "intelligent" was sung sarcastically.

In the same way this line should be a negative to match the other comparisons:

I am the painter's work of art POSITIVE
I am another world apart NEGATIVE OR NOT CONNECTING
I bring commotion to your heart NEGATIVE
I am a lover's pain NEGATIVE

#3 consider addressing the first verse to the singee....unless you are wanting the singee to be the listener....right now you're audience hoping between the girl and a 3rd person listener.....for example

(Sung to a 3rd person listener)
And I think that that's alright
But she says it's not right
Cause smart is a life's crime
A sentence for lifetime

(Sung to the girl)
Well I am who I am dear
And that's not gonna disappear
I'll be what I'll be
Just take it from me

....it does it again later in the song when you say "girl"

What music style did you have in mind?

Thanks for sharing.

James

Hey,

Thanks for all the comments :)

I agree with you on most of your points james, I do however think the music helps for some of them. Have in mind a sort of bluesy rock type vibe haha, will have to try recording. I don't know what to replace the painter line with, any suggestions?

@Celt: I think the rhyming scheme works better with the music, and I'm debating over "I feel a lover's pain", it's possible.. will try it to music.

@Jeff: Thanks :D You really got the message right so that makes me really happy.

I don't know what to replace the painter line with, any suggestions?
I'm the poet's writer's block
I'm the broken poet's heart
I'm the archer's/hit-man's moving/missed mark
I'm the quarterback's/lineman's false start
I'm the dinner guest's slipped/passed fart :lol:
I'm the beauty model's new wart :lol:
I'm the hair in model's birth mark :lol:
.....ok....way past the point of being helpful :oops:

I am the painter's work of art
I am another world apart
I bring commotion FROM THE START
I am a lover's pain

Haha wow, you got carried away.

Not bad though, I like the commotion from the start, fixes up things a bit.