Y8W19 Tomorrow Never Dies

That has got to be one of the most imaginative, vivid opening verses I've ever read - like everyone else from my generation, I recall the newsclips of the little girl on fire running down the road; the next two lines work well, too. Second verse starts quite promisingly - Tianamen Square - but I don't quite understand the next two lines and the reference to Liverpool - unless it's a reference to William Wilberforce and the abolition of the slave trade?

Next couple of verses work well, too....although....this line,

"I'm a failed assassin double agent caught by the Nazis" seems like it could be a real mouthful - really can't make it fit the rhyme scheme, and not sure who it's supposed to be?
But the Noah, Joan of Arc and Jesus lines all work well.....

IMO, definitely well on the way to a very good song here.....just a couple of explanations needed. Hey, some of us (well, me!) are getting old and haven't got as many functioning brain cells as we used to have - I only ever had two, and one of them got a little soaked in beer, and the other one was fully engaged in telling me it was time for a cigarette!

Nice writing, James!

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi Vic,

Thanks for the listen and feedback :D This one definitely has more rooms for holes in the presentation and needs tightening up. Plus, I am not really a history buff so some of the references are too obscure.

Basically I was trying to personify "hope" through different people in history. You got most of the list already:
#1
Phan Thị Kim Phúc
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phan_Th%E1%BB%8B_Kim_Ph%C3%BAc
#2
Rosa Parks
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosa_Parks

#3
"Tank Man" real name unknown
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tank_Man
#4
Nelson Mandela
Maybe this wasn't as famous as I thought, but I was really stuck with finding a rhyme for "tanks" and I know the line is backwards as well....I just figured I'd overlook the bump in the road to get the song out there.....so I am very open to suggestions/corrections....just couldn't think of it on my own :|

On 30 April 2001, Nelson Mandela Gardens in Millenium Square, Leeds was officially opened and Nelson Mandela was awarded the freedom of the city and awarded a commemorative 'golden owl' (the heraldric symbol of Leeds). In a speech outside Leeds Civic Hall in front of 5000 people, mistakenly Mandela famously thanked 'the people of Liverpool for their generosity'.[188]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nelson_Mandela

#5
Dietrich Bonhoeffer -too obscure I'm sure
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dietrich_Bonhoeffer
#6
Noah from the Bible
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noah

#7
Joan of Arc
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joan_of_Arc
#8
Jesus from the Bible
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus

Thanks again, Vic. I agree this song has it's promising moments but definitely needs a few more rewrites to polish it up. :wink:

James

Ah, right - bit clearer now. But - I think you've got to find someone a bit less obscure than D v Boenhoeffer, though - I guarantee 99.99% of the educated world won't have heard of him, never mind us thick wanna-be musicians! Maybe, from that particular era, Anne Frank? As for Mandela - got to keep him in. Just wondering whether you could re-word "tanks" as "machines (maybe "engines?") of war" or something easier to rhyme, and somehow bring Robben Island into the Mandela half-verse? Just a thought, and a suggestion....

Still, very impressed with the thought you put into this, not to mention the characters - this is one song I think has great potential which I'd REALLY like to see fully realised.

:D :D :D

Vic

Vic,
I think you've got to find someone a bit less obscure than D v Boenhoeffer
:lol: :lol: :lol: Agreed

I like who you mentioned -William Wilberforce and Anne Frank as well; and I agree Mandela needs reworking....Gandhi was another person I thought to include so Boenhoeffer would most likely be replaced by one of the above.

BTW I might be opening a can of worms, but any suggestion on this week's topic for me on what you wouldn't expect me to come up with? My only plan was to run through the soundclick.com music categories and pick one that would be my least favorite. You definitely keep kicking us out of our comfort zones.....and that's a very good thing :wink:

Thanks,

James

POOF Changes made :mrgreen:

Feedback?

Really good song with huge historical significance and impact imparted to the listener.

I do feel that in some parts you are a bit heavy on the details, it's like you are spelling it out too obviously. For example in verse 3, you give four pieces of information enabling us to identify Anne Frank, and four identifying Noah. In reality, most listeners should be able to figure it out from only lines 1 and 3. It could be effective to remove some of those clues and make lines 2 and 4 more enigmatic and/or abstract. Try to insert some more visual imagery into those like you did in v1 and v4. The Nelson Mandela couplet is also quite information-heavy. I thought the other characters worked well though.

Also I think that being very specific with your place names (Montgomery, Alabama... Beijing, China... Robben Island) is unnecessary and hampers the flow of the song. In most cases people will be able to make the connection and realise who the character is with only a vague hint about their origin. The song doesn't have to be a geography lesson.

But aside from that, well done on finding a use for an awful Bond film title, which you've turned into an effective chorus. It's more than I could achieve with the assignment.

Hi Martin,

Thanks so much for the listen and feedback. :D

You gave me some good ideas to play around with....I'm definitely working/struggling with the balance between when to detail and not.

James

:oops: thought I'd already commented on this ages ago... obviously haven't.
So here goes my thumbs up for the lyrics!
Wouldn't have gotten all the references without help, but the lyrics are strong even without getting all of them!
Love the overall sentiment + it's beautifully phrased in the chorus, as well :D

Wasn't expecting that kind of music, but it does work well.

Cheers,
straycat.

Hi Straycat,

Thanks for the listen and post :wink:
Wasn't expecting that kind of music, but it does work well.
I'm happy I can still throw in some surprises for you :wink:

James

You definitely keep kicking us out of our comfort zones.....and that's a very good thing

Good to hear that - IMO, that's the whole point of this forum. Get you writing about things you wouldn't normally write about - then hopefully, when you write INSIDE your comfort zone - whether it be an SSG song or not - you'll find the writing process easier.

Strangely enough - while I'm looking back through the last couple of week's songs - "The World Is Not Enough" is on TV. I know, it shouldn't be - but honestly, there's nothing better on. ("57 channels and nothing on"....Springsteen. Hell, I've got about 257 channels and there's STILL nothing on!)

:D :D :D

Vic