Another partial. Not finishing is a theme in my life :lol: But I feel like I am getting better just by plodding along. Perhaps not finishing can be a topic sometime. But then I may not finish it. I am still working on some of the other assignments as they percolate in the ether.
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10009202
Journey Divine
If I had a dollar, for every dream I've given up
I'd be a billionaire dear
Drinking from a crystal cup
If I had peace, for every nightmare that I've had
I'd only break even
But that wouldn't be so bad
And if I had a day, for all the traveling I'd like to do
I'd be gone forever
Wear out a lot of shoes
I'd like to drop my burdens
And wander far and wide
From ocean to ocean
And walk the great divide
Head across the water
To see what I can find
Oh a journey divine
If I went to Paris, I'd buy the world a jewel
I'd stare at The Fortune Teller
It wouldn't tell me the truth
Next I'd go to Hong Kong, and send you a card
I don't know when I'd leave there
I'd make my way to Cairo, and marvel at the Sphinx
"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc
"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell
Hi Ernie
I think you've actually got enough here to (almost) finish it nicely. First I'd suggest using two stanzas instead of three for the verses. It may just be me, but after two of them, my ears are ready for something different and your chorus fits the bill perfectly. So, for example, you could break it up like this:
If I had a dollar, for every dream I've given up
I'd be a billionaire dear
Drinking from a crystal cup
And if I had a day, for all the traveling I'd like to do
I'd be gone forever
Wear out a lot of shoes
I'd like to drop my burdens
And wander far and wide
From ocean to ocean
And walk the great divide
Head across the water
To see what I can find
Oh a journey divine
If I went to Paris, I'd buy the world a jewel
I'd stare at The Fortune Teller
It wouldn't tell me the truth
Next I'd go to Hong Kong, and send you a card
And then it's off to Cairo
Where they've Sphinxes in their yards
I'd like to drop my burdens
And wander far and wide
From ocean to ocean
And walk the great divide
Head across the water
To see what I can find
Oh a journey divine (NOTE - This last chorus could also be instrumental or a short instrumental break)
If I had peace, for every nightmare that I've had
I'd only break even
But that wouldn't be so bad
And if I had a day, for all the traveling I'd like to do
I'd be gone forever
Wear out a lot of shoes
I'd like to drop my burdens
And wander far and wide
From ocean to ocean
And walk the great divide
Head across the water
To see what I can find
Oh a journey divine
I'd also like to suggest changing "oh a journey divine" to "on this (or my) journey divine."
Really like the feel and the ukulele is the perfect touch, especially for a travelling song. Very cool.
Looking forward to more. And maybe I will make Week 8's assignment something about "not finishing!" We'll see. :wink:
Peace
Hi Ernie,
That's the spirit....just get it up and posted. :wink: Dave did great job with his suggestions :D
Suggestions:
To see what I can find
Oh a journey divine
maybe something like:
to know these (footprints/foosteps/steps) were mine
Oh a journey divine
or to know each step was mine
Oh a journey divine
Consider revising the "dollar" and "dream" verses to fit in the journey theme as part of one of the locations or replaced with other geographical themes.
You might try reading some Basho as he puts his journeys in Haikus
http://www.poemhunter.com/matsuo-basho/
Also, there is a songwriting idea where you find a balance between external details and internal thoughts. In her book "Popular Lyric Writing" Andreal Stalpe calls them "toggle patterns" going back and forth between external and internal. If you combine both elements in each verse and build a pattern on it, it adds subtle symmetry and balance to the lyrics.
For example
EEEI
or
EIEI
or
IEII
It's a great how to book on lyric writing if you're looking for a step-by-step guide
http://www.amazon.com/Popular-Lyric-Writing-Effective-Storytelling/dp/0876390874/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1292641259&sr=8-1
I mention the toggle pattern b/c setting up concrete image places might need some internal thoughts to give significance to the locations so it doesn't read too much like just a list of places.
You could also have a bridge that explains what the "burden" was the singer wanted to drop....and maybe a realization that the burden was one of the following:
a. not that bad after all
b. something common to all people
c. actually a gift
d. something he wished he would have dropped a long time ago
e. etc....whatever insight the singer would hope to gain
Also musically, I felt the same thing Dave had mention by the third verse, wanting a change of some sort. If you don't want to head right into the chorus, try using the relative minor for some of the chords to add a subtle shift.
For example: Am C F G F C then possibly (E7 for a dramatic change into a chorus)
Thanks for sharing.
James
Thanks for the feedback.
David - Thanks for the arrangement and opening my eyes to the fact that I had enough for a song.
I followed your suggestions and came up with a 3 min 20 sec song. Not bad.
James - I've got Andrea Stolpe's book and will dig into it. Your suggestions are very challenging.
I'd like to try and implement some of them. The Haiku link is relevant and cool. That website looks like a
good place to spend some time. I find it difficult, at this point, to go back and do a major rewrite.
I must have sang the song 100 times and it is ingrained in my brain. I'd like to get in the habit of
doing rewrites it will be a helpful activity to try it with this song. And of course clearing up and focusing
the meaning of the song would be nice.
I am having a difficult time modifying the dollar and dream verses to a travel motif. For one thing I really
like them but more than that I am having difficulty coming up with ideas. But I like those verses enough
that I would drop the travel and places theme or remove them from the song and write another song. Or
I could do something like:
If I had a dollar, for every dream I've given up
I'd travel the world like a billionaire
Drinking from a crystal cup
Hmmmm....I'll keep at it.
Here is where I stand at the moment with David's arrangement. Somehow I inadvertently dropped the
nightmare verse while editing.
Version 2 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10009202
Journey Divine
If I had a dollar, for every dream I've given up
I'd roam the world like a billionaire
Drinking from a crystal cup
And if I had a lifetime, for all the traveling I'd like to do
I'd be gone forever
Wear out a lot of shoes
(chorus)
I'd like to drop my burdens
And wander far and wide
From ocean to ocean
And walk the great divide
Head across the water
To see what I can find
Oh on a journey divine
If I went to Paris, I'd buy the world a jewel
I'd stare at The Fortune Teller
It wouldn't tell me the truth
Next I'd go to Cairo, and send you a card
Then Hong Kong then Santiago
In San Francisco I'd ride the streetcars
(possibly instrumental)
(chorus)
If I had a dollar, for every dream I've given up
I'd roam the world like a billionaire
Drinking from a crystal cup
And if I had a lifetime, for all the traveling I'd like to do
I'd be gone forever
Wear out a lot of shoes
(chorus)
"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc
"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell
The rewrite is looking nice :D
And if I had a day, for all the traveling I'd like to do
I'd be gone forever
Wear out a lot of shoes
Would "lifetime" or maybe "time" work better than "day" ?
change day to lifetime. good call!
"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc
"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell
I tried listening the other day but sound click was not responding. I like it. Concert size uke?
It is a tenor. A laminated Kala.
"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc
"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell
Sounds really good Ernie.
If you don't mind one last suggestion, you might want to swap "streetcars" with "cable cars" as "cable cars" are endemic to San Francisco. Really nice job. A nice easy bass line and I think you're there!
Peace
Yes, Iike it, too!
I'm for the cable car change as well.
Suggestion:
Consider revising this line:
I'd like to drop my burdens >I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU WITH ME
And wander far and wide
From ocean to ocean
And walk the great divide
Head across the water
To see what I can find >To see what WE can find
Oh on a journey divine
For me, it moves it the mood of the singer from someone in an undefined negative mood (drop my burdens) to a more whimsical/optimistic dreamer.....but it still works as is.
Nice job :D
