Skip to content
Year 5, Week 2 - I'...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Year 5, Week 2 - I'm bad with titles

3 Posts
3 Users
0 Likes
722 Views
(@mhlandry)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 37
Topic starter  

I don't know what to call it
I don't know its name
That place where I go
When it all sounds the same

I don't know where it is
It's not on any road
But I know how to get there
When I don't know where else to go

It's a beautiful place to go
And it's not part of any fad
It'll always be there
When everyone seems mad

Some use it to imagine
Some to call out the masters of war
Some use it as a stepping stone
I use it for all of these things and more

-----------------

It's not nearly as polished as it should be. Been a busy week. There's a curveball or two in there though.


   
Quote
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hi Mh

The first verse :

"I don't know what to call it
.I don't know its name "

Seems a bit too repeative with the lines starting the same way for me

I don't know what to call it
I do not know its' name

To me just breaks it up a little and I am saying exactly the same thing as you ..

This line just doesn't flow as smoothly as the rest of the verse :
When I don't know where else to go

I don't even know the zip code
{ something like that to keep the rhyme patteren uniform with the other verses }

These suggestions are purely off the top of my head with out a real lot of time spent on them , but I think something more along my suggestions might work better ..

Cheers
Trev...

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
ReplyQuote
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

I could be wrong, but it reads to me as if ths is about someone retreating into their own miind, cutting themselves off from the world - it reads well enough that way, anyway, even if that wasn't what you actually meant.....

Nice twist in the last verse!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
ReplyQuote