year 6 week 41 Stop Sign

Hey Maddog,

I like the song especially the "mumbling" part at the end.

I do have a few minor suggestion though
What I felt I thought was love

How about:
I felt what I thought was love"

I held her hand when we walked in the park

Maybe change "when" to "as" ?

Very minor but I think it makes a difference.

I have some thoughts on this verse:
Well this time was the right time for sure
We were going to go all the way
But I got drunk and acted the fool
Only one thing that I can say

Why not turn this part around to be about another relationship where he now
realizes it is him putting up the Stop Sign with his drunken behavior.
The next time was the right time for sure
We were going to go all the way
But I got drunk and acted the fool
Only one thing that I can say

Warning Shameless Self Promotion Ahead

Sort of an "I Ain't Got No One But Myself To Blame" moment. :lol:

Nice Job

John

Reads a little like "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" to me...I get the same sort of vibe from it, anyway. Very teenage angst ridden!

This is a little cliched in parts, that's my only nitpick....rhyming "love" with "above" and "paradise" with "cold as nice" have been a bit (understatement!) over-done over the years, and most writers would try and avoid that trap. Apart from that, well done - you've dipped your toes into the murky waters of the SSG and jumped in at the deep end, but you're keeping your head above water. (Hey, I didn't say I wasn't allowed to use cliches!) Looking forward to more.

:D :D :D

Vic

hey Celt
I loved the 1st 2 suggestions

I felt what i thought was love

I think it flows smoother

and I think changing when to as is subtle but i think it does make a difference

but on the third

I think his drunken behavior in this relationship is putting up a stop sign in this relationship and i think he realizes it is him putting up the stop sign

Thank you for your comments it means a lot,
Malcolm

Vic

I hated the line

it had to be a gift from above

I kind of thought I might get called on it but I had nothing else

the other line i kind of liked until your comparision with Paradise by the dasboard light

even though secretly I kind of like that song but had not even thought about it consciously but yet? maybe subconsciously

as far as the SSG I think I have jumped in full force please keep the comments coming cause I'm learning each and every time and I think I will get better i appreciate your feedback keep rocking!!!!

Thanks Malcolm

the other line i kind of liked until your comparision with Paradise by the dasboard light

even though secretly I kind of like that song but had not even thought about it consciously but yet? maybe subconsciously

I always liked that song myself - a bit melodramatic, a bit over-blown, but hey, it appeals to the ham actor in me! I'm not suggesting you tried to copy that song, BTW, just using it as a comparison; stylistically the two songs are very different, they're just in the same general catchment area. Subconsciously? Well, I have a theory that we're all influenced by what we've heard over the years - I can hear things in my songs, and know where I've been inspired, where other people might not see it. Wish I could dig into my subconscious more often, I might find an as yet undiscovered inspiration in there!

Keep making waves!

:D :D :D

Vic