Year 7 week 4 - Just Friends

Kewl idea and a surprising ending . . . ya got me.

If you want to string us along more . .
you can have more verses with

"you were always there for me"
"helped you through the bad times"
"took the pain away"
"helped me forget my sorrows"
"made me laugh when I wanted to cry"

you know, all the comforts of and reasons for drinkin'

If I did this, I'd list several other virtues . . .
"the long walks we took in the evening"
"the way you'd warm my feet at night"
etc
and then end it with . . .

"I'll miss Ol' Blue" :mrgreen:

Hi,

Overall I thought that you had some good verses, but that it might work better if you focused less on springing a surprise ending, and more on developing a punchier tale to go with the general idea.

I'd agree that you did a good job of keeping the twist at the end up your sleeve until the finish. However, I think that might not really be such a good thing. It's fine in a joke, which you tell once and that's it, but when you write a song then you hope that it will be sung more than once. So the lyrics also need to stand up well once the 'surprise' has been removed.

There are already a fair few songs casting the drink as some sort of problematic mistress, so you might need to zing it up a bit more to make it stand out. One of the oldest that I know is "Nancy Whisky" which is a century or more old. The lyrics to that song also make the joke about comparing whisky to a woman, but don't try and conceal it until the end. The listener is allowed to cotton on quickly and then hear a story which is underpinned by the comparison. The words are understandably rather old fashioned now, but the way the lyrics are structured still stand as a good way to present the story. Basically, it's an early version of a 'Perils of binge drinking' and 'There's dangers in that thar big city' story... :wink: Nancy Whisky

"Oh, God I hope I am able
Because if not this time I'll die"

I also thought that came across as a bit clunky and could benefit from a rephrasing, especially as it's a fairly important section of the song, which the singer will need to emphasize or make something of:

Do you have any ideas about the way the music will support the story?

Good luck with it all anyway. Good start. :)

Chris

Chris/Ken,

I agree with both, I've liked the idea for a while but never been able to figure out how I liked it. I figured I'd get it started and screw it up a bit and see where it goes.

I do like the idea of not surprising so much and getting the point across a little sooner.

At this point I'm kinding feeling the music as a bit angry, like some older Jack Ingram, but I also see completely changing to something along the lines of "I don't want to grow up" by Tom Waites, or even a Hayes Carll style like "bad liver and a broken heart". I really don't know at this point.

Anyway, thanks for the feed back and back to work.

At this point I'm kinding feeling the music as a bit angry, like some older Jack Ingram, but I also see completely changing to something along the lines of "I don't want to grow up" by Tom Waites, or even a Hayes Carll style like "bad liver and a broken heart". I really don't know at this point.

I think anger would be an inappropriate emotion for the lyrics and the humor at the end.
Remember the theme is regret . . . maybe some melancholy, sadness . . .
Maybe a more reflective mood . . . as he looks back on the years with his relationship with his best friend, "the bottle".

If you want to give the reader some more 'clues', you might want to throw in
some of the less desirable consequences of his drinkin' . . .
gettting in a fistfight, going to jail, wrecking his car, going to jail, DUI, going to jail, losing his job, his wife, his family, his home . . . that type of thing.

KR2

I like the punch line at the end....there are already great suggestions posted. The only thing I have to add would be to possibly put in the idea of "just friends" Example - (Beginning )We had a good time but let's just be friends...(Middle) Some people are starting to talk about us, but I tell them we're just friends...(Ending) Like you have it Why couldn't we have just been friends?

I'm sort of in two minds over this song - first impression was, nice take on the assignment....just the right blend of ruefulness and pathos. Then Chris's comments threw me off a little - I can see the point he's trying to get over, once everyone knows a joke it isn't funny anymore - but the song still manages to get its point over.

Maybe if you let everyone in on the punchline early.....perhaps opened the song with a wistful, "Oh whiskey why couldn't we have just been friends?" That way, everyone will know immediately what the point of the song is and the first couple of verses won't be seen as ambiguous or misleading....they'll add to the opening statement.

Definitely heading in a good direction though.

:D :D :D

Vic