I wrote these, you can leave feedback if you want. Im still a beginner and nowhere near as good as I want to be, I havent wrote 'THAT' song yet, Im still trying. By the way, my writing style is sarcastic and 'emo'.
Here's Your Surprise
i heard the bad news today
or was that wishful thinking?
i heard you spend your days and nights planning your get-away
(im done with everything you said)
(done with everything you said)
i can only hope that something goes terribly wrong
and ill be over it and you by the end of this song
(im done with everything you said)
(done with everything you said)
let this letter serve as a reminder
that you'll always be the best at this
or whatever he said
i got another phone call, saying you missed me
keeps your lips closed, cause you're lying through your teeth
sweetheart, you've left me with a bitter taste in my mouth
and if i burned your house, i wouldnt piss to put you out
(you're getting exactly what you wanted)
im missing you like a gun to my head
(im done with everything you ever said)
im still a beginner at my best
but you're a natural at all of this
(missing you like a gun to my head)
always been the best at bringin out my worst
I know this never was enough
dont let my pictures line your mirror
after this song I am done
(i want you as much as a car wreck)
Im leaving
its only fair..
EXIT17
from here on out, i hope it gets better
back in school our seats were always empty
we're learning from our own mistakes
so get me as far can be, tonight
if you're feeling like a change of scenery
or just a change of pace
then i say its time that we burned this place
because now its never gonna be the same
i guess this is growing up
and i guess its ok for me to feel this scared
never thought the world was this big
never thought that id be the one to have to care
where do we go from here...
only 17 years old
seasons are changing
frienships are breaking
and this world is falling
down on me
you're being thrown away
you could be so much more than this
we're tired of standing in place
we could be so much more than this (x4)
Number Your Stars
Your photos look better as ashes
spare me the glances
and talk of second chances
im not writing this to make amends
maybe just to show a small hint of bitterness
fell so short of a memorable last kiss
if it doesnt matter now, then it never really did
dont fill my head with talk of cleaning up your act
come on, even you know you're lying
(getting hurt is what im best at)
you said "i couldnt breathe without you"
i wish that was true
(getting hurt is what im best at)
im sorry
not everything's as easy as you
selling out love for all its worth
(playing dumb was never my game)
sweetheart, i hope you get what you deserve
tied up and left for dead in the middle of winter
can i be more obvious?
(im only being honest)
my days are getting better by the minute
dont fill my head with talk of cleaning up your act
even you know you're lying
(i will never ask, so please just keep it quiet)
im wrong for missing you
(i've revealed a hidden talent)
getting hurt is what im best at
(i will never ask, so please just keep it quiet)
im wrong for missing you...
all I read was the first one, but I'll read the others later
btw, not many people check these forums regularly, you should spread your material over a long time period, you'll get more critique
I suppose you have some way of ordering these stanzas around rhythmically(i'm just talking about the first song here), but if you don't, and you start to have trouble keeping a rhythm goin with the differently-lengthed verses, you should just complete them, make them even, I know that's part of the emo style, but in essence, it usually comes out so sperratic that all the fast paced energy combines with lack of direction and the song is downhill from there, I like all most of the logical trickery in there, but this just doesn't make any sense
sweetheart, you've left me with a bitter taste in my mouth
and if i burned your house, i wouldnt piss to put you out
why would you even bother putting it out if you were burning her down?
I see what you're trying to do, but it didn't turn out right, that could be a pivotal line, a real go-getter,
maybe bring in more teen angst with a suicide reference :D :?
"and if you burned yourself and all of your doubt, I wouldn't piss to put you out"
it's still a little wierd, but it has logic, nevertheless
I personally don't like this style of writing(I apologize for my biases which may have affected my critique) but this is actually a lot better, and has much more structure and singability than most songs of its nature
8) cool shoes 8)
I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!
Love the first 2 sections....What immediately came to my mind was the anger and sarcasm. I dig it!
I like the idea that Snoogans put out there about
"If you burned yourself...I wouldn't piss to put you out."
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
