Ordinary Day- Feedback

i really liked it. i mean, good songs are written about things the author knows. i like that you took something as simple as an ordinary day and wrote a song about it. very cool. keep up the good work.

*hailey*

well for starters I really liked your song..however there are just a couple things that I'm not to sure of

for example the last line of the 2nd verse...

"Your phone is ringing; you've got mail
No time to answer because there's a story to tell"
...I just don't really understand what you mean by the last line or how it fits with the line before it

and the only other thing that caught my eye about this song is the chorus...I feel like it doesn't do the rest of the song enough justice...especially the 1st and 3rd lines...

otherwise ...it's fantastic ..I love how it really goes through an entire day from beggining to end and I especially like
"Time for lunch so you grab some fast food
Super sizin' and tasting real good"

I hope I didn't offend you...with or without my suggestions it's a great song but I would really enjoy it more with a different chorus

great job on this song...keep it up!

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate the kudos and the feedback.

In verse 2 I was going for this: What happens when you first get to work? You sit down and see your voicemail light on and you check your email and see you have like 30 waiting for you. But what do you do first, you spend the next 1/2 hour talking to your friends at the watercooler about the Sopranos, or how Mike's comb over is out of control.

Verse 2
Punch the time clock and wish they paid you more
Feeling like you've done this before
Your phone is ringing; you've got mail
No time to answer because there's a story to tell

I definately see your point that it probably doesn't flow real well. I wasn't particularly happy with that either.

Any ideas on how to improve that particular stanza?

Thanks again for the feedback!

But what do you do first, you spend the next 1/2 hour talking to your friends at the watercooler about the Sopranos, or how Mike's comb over is out of control.

hey there. i laughed when you mentioned the things that are talked about at the watercooler. i think it would be amusing if you added those in there. but thats just me. as for your verse you asked for help on?
what if you did something like this?:

Verse 2
Punch the time clock and wish they paid you more
Feeling like you've done this before
Your phone is ringing; you've got mail
Get to them later, you've got a watercooler tale

i don't know if you like that at all but it was just an idea that popped to mind. good luck with this piece!!

[hailey]

good thought!

BTW...Mike's comb over is pretty ridiculous looking. I mean, who does he think he's fooling :)

this comb over thing has got me thinking...maybe you should just change the direction of the song completly and have it revolve around mike's comb over. Or-prehaps just a general message to all the victims of the comb over craze. heres some ideas to start...

rushed to work just to see
all the comb overs waitin for me
hiding your baldness is very wrong
ill explan it to you...it wont take long

you see comb overs can be out dated
but for “unknown” reasons you might be hated
so maybe the comb over isnt your best hair-do
you really should try something new

a mullet!-ah there's a respectable pick
cuz sometimes comb overs just make me sick
so hear me out you comb over fools
invest in a tupay and you'll fit in amoung the jewels

I really think we are on to something here! okay okay ...so maybe not...but anyway...back to the whole point of this post

on a little more serious note:
this is what I came up with thus far with that stanza...

you're always on time and never late
punchin the clock at exactly eight
Theres people to call; emails to send
this deja vu will never end

or...

you're always on time and never late
punchin the clock at exactly eight
Your phone is ringing; there is mail to reply
instead you strike up conversation as a co-worker walks by

I couldn't figure out a way to get that water cooler stuff in there and these suggestions arent the greatest (sorry I couldn't be of more help)....but thanks for explaining that one line to me...it makes a lot more sense now

keep that comb over song idea in your head!....you just never know! lol

Very interesting. I think I like the idea!

combovers mullets....toupes...This could definately be a cool song on it's own.

We'll call it Bad Hair Day enstead of Ordinary Day.

We can throw in Beehives...extensions...white people with dreads....

The idea could be "Hey Mike, your comb over is soooo bad that even all these other terrible hairstyles would be better than what you are trying to do on top of your head.

Just some random ideas...

Hey Mike, Do you take us for fools?
Your hair looks worse than the beehives in the B52s

There's the Achy Breaky and the mud flap mullet
But that's nothing compared to what your head has got on it

we know that your bald so don't even try a toupe
The only one of us that you were fooling died yesterday

Weezer wrote a song about destroying a sweater so this could work.

----------------------------------------------
Thanks for the ideas on verse 2. I will play around with those. I like what your thinking.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA GENIOUS!!

I just saw some white people with dreads
you better call the feds
cuz they should be arrested for thoes knots on their heads
its always ironic to find power ranger sheets on their beds

nothing compares to the 80's tease
lets face it-the afro had to leave
bananarama looked just like cyndi lauper
she had so much hairspray even the o-zone couldn't stop her

....this will be the best rock ballad since stairway! lol

This song will rank among the best one hit wonders of all time!

First there was Right Said Fred's "I'm too sexy"
then there was "The macorena"
then there was "Who let the dogs ou"

Now there will be "Bad HAir Day"

I think I'll try some rythms with it and maybe post it at some point.

Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously. It was good to get away from that.

Thanks!

looking forward to the finished product :D