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(@noel-iu)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 96
Topic starter  

...?

http://www.freewebs.com/noel-iu

http://noel-iu.dmusic.com/


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Some good wriiting here over all it's I think it good a lot of emotion /feeling .
Great stuff

In verse one
"just a little pawn
in your chees game"

may I be so bold and suggest that I think this would better suited ?
"just a little pawn
in this game of life"

I am no brilliant song writter myself but I found your line a little hard to get my tongue around .

well that's me done
well done keep it up

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@gmilam)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 159
 

Noel...

Don't take this too harshly (You asked for some feedback)

I didn't care for the first verse much.

While I like the idea of what you are saying...the whole opposite thing can work well in many cases....I just didn't like the chess thing.

In verse one you talk about how you don't need a queen and how you just want to achieve one more square. This made me think that you are looking for a good time, mothing too serious.

But in the chorus, you say that you've searched for the wrong people and places, and you've finally found her. This makes me think that you've found true love or something like that.

The 2 just didn't seem to go together for me.

Again, this is just my opinion, and I'm in no way trying to discount what you've written.

On a separate note....I love the line "Just bless circumstances
that lead you to me". I think that line is really, really cool. You could build a whole song off of that.

Greg

I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)


   
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(@noel-iu)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 96
Topic starter  

......

http://www.freewebs.com/noel-iu

http://noel-iu.dmusic.com/


   
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(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

In contrast, I like the first verse.

It leaves me wanting more, Noel-iu. I want to know who this person is. Maybe a second verse, or a bridge?

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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(@nitetrapper)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 149
 

Hi, It seems your getting this lyric together pretty good. My problem is with the chorus. It feels as if your saying the same thing twice.Also when you say I finally found her here. Where is here? I like the way this is going so please show us more. Take care. Nite......

lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Hey

Just old me again I really like your changes , much better

well done

:D :D :D :D :D

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@noel-iu)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 96
Topic starter  

....

http://www.freewebs.com/noel-iu

http://noel-iu.dmusic.com/


   
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