Please critique..
If It Wasn't For Me
It's hard for me to face the real me,
When all I've done seems to be unbearable..
You know I never meant to hurt you..
I was lost, and I find myself still drifting away,
Because of everything I've done, I feel me fading..
I'm afraid of being without you forever..
I can only pray that my hands will hold yours,
I only hope that you'll find your way back into me..
And after everything I've said and done..
The war is over and it sure wasn't won..
I cant believe they way I've acted..
I tried so hard to make you secure,
But after all my attempts, I'm still not sure..
If I made the right desicion or not..
Well we'll see what time has in store for me..
A 6 shot round of Russian roulette?
With nothing to lose, I've nothing to get..
I've lost everything that was a part of me,
And I'll that I can find is the pieces of my memories..
Everyday I wonder what my life would be like..
What my life would be like..If I hadn't lost..
What would my life be like if it wasn't for me..
And after everything I've said and done..
The war is over and it sure wasn't won..
I cant believe they way I've acted..
I tried so hard to make you secure,
But after all my attempts, I'm still not sure..
If I made the right desicion or not..
I'm so gone..I've been washed away..
My memories will fade with days,
I cannot take all I've done to you..
I hope that this pain will leave me soon..
What would my life have been like..
If it wasn't for me..everything would be perfect
Hi'a and wwelcome to the songwriting club
OK, for my personal preferance this song is too long and complicated. I used to write a lot of poetry and had to learn this the hard way when I started singing out. You have to try and change your way of writing, not the style, your style is good, just the content must be shortened. Reading a poem and listening to a song is very different, you haven't got the luxury of people reading it slowly and taking everything in. So it has to make an impact from the beginning.
You have to remember you only have 3-4 minutes to get your story across so make it short sweet and to the point with a lot of imagry, take me to the place you are talking about, let me feel the emotions you are putting across.
It's hard for me to face the real me,
When all I've done seems to be unbearable..
You know I never meant to hurt you..
I was lost, and I find myself still drifting away,
Because of everything I've done, I feel me fading..
I'm afraid of being without you forever..
I can only pray that my hands will hold yours,
I only hope that you'll find your way back into me..
Work on this verse only for starters, lets read how many different ways you can come up with saying this to make me feel i am there and going through this with you. Writing in the 3rd peron may help you
go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
