Going Nowhere
i'm ninety-five miles east of "nowhere".
just me and a lonely falling star.
ninety-five miles east of "nowhere",
wondering how and where you are.
and the road seems to fade into nothing.
and "nothing"'s what i plan to be.
ninety-five miles east of "nowhere".
not a lot out here to see.
_______
Chorus
and i know you're out there "going somewhere",
and that's a place I ought to be.
but i'm (95,55,25) miles east of "nowhere",
runnin' from reality.
_______
i'm fifty-five miles east of "nowhere",
my headlights piercing through the rain.
saw a light off in the distance,
but it was just a passing train.
my last friend got off at the station,
and you and Claire left long ago.
fifty-five miles east of "nowhere",
going through places I shouldn't go.
(Chorus)
i'm twenty-five miles east of "nowhere",
drivin' into a yellow moon.
i seem to be ahead of schedule.
i ought to be there pretty soon.
and I think of you and Claire quite often,
but this path i've chosen on my own
twenty-five miles east of "nowhere",
and a million miles west of home
(Chorus)
John A.
They say only a pawnshop guitar can play the blues. An eBay one does it better. A guitar's bound to feel unloved if her owner plasters pictures of her over the internet for all to see and then sells her off to the highest anonymous bidder.
Hi'a
Well I would like to know why you are going nowhere , a bit of back ground in a form of a bridge would be good here.
See what you can come up with
I like the rhythm here and the words are very catchy, well worth working on in my very humble opinion
Go well
Jamir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Thanks.
This was written in DADGAD tuning which to me, has kind of a gloomy, tension filled sound so I tried to match that with the lyrics of the song.
It's about a self-destructive person who knows he is ruining his life but just can't seem to stop.
The hardest part right now is coming up with a strumming pattern that allows me to play and do the "finger quotes" at the same time. :lol:
But seriously, thanks for the input. I may just retune the guitar and see if I can do a bridge.
John A.
They say only a pawnshop guitar can play the blues. An eBay one does it better. A guitar's bound to feel unloved if her owner plasters pictures of her over the internet for all to see and then sells her off to the highest anonymous bidder.
i think for a first lyric this is really great!
i like the countdown of miles to start the verses. i also really loved the yellow moon line.
drivin' into a yellow moon.
this line seemed a little clunky - maybe you could simplify it.
and I think of you and Claire quite often,
a basic thing i'd also suggest is going through and getting rid of 'filler' words. all the ands, buts, etc... stuff like that that's not necessary to the meaning. just removing words without changing the meaning is a good way to refine a lyric and make it more succinct.
keep up the good work!
Heya!
I really like the first verse, it tells me a lot about his thoughts and "plans".
Also, the chorus is solid, as someone is getting closer to nowhere for each time. Good job there!
But, maybe this is just me, I didn't really get the "you and Claire" part. I think it would be better if you focused only on the main character. On the other hand, I am interested in hearing more about them as well, seeing as they are mentioned, but not properly introduced.
Of course, this is only my humble opinion. It's just that one thing that I'd like to see changed :)
Any plans of recording it?
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
The key to the "you and Claire" line can be found in vs 2.
"and you and Claire left long ago..."
Claire is my mythical child who helps my songs meter out. (Everyone should have a Claire...) "You" would be his wife. Maybe the song is a bit too obtuse. But it was meant to be written that way to a certain extent. It is about a car trip, but it's really not, if you know what I mean. I really liked the "2-layer" aspect of this song. Perhaps I need to rethink that line, explain further, or at least smooth it out a bit.
The idea about getting rid of the and's, but's, etc. is a good one. Simplicity is clarity. I'll try to tighten it up a bit without destroying the meter.
Thanks for the suggestions and comments. Keep them coming (good or bad).
I would hope people here would care enough to post a... "Guy...seriously...don't play that in public.....Really........" if it needed to be said.
John A.
They say only a pawnshop guitar can play the blues. An eBay one does it better. A guitar's bound to feel unloved if her owner plasters pictures of her over the internet for all to see and then sells her off to the highest anonymous bidder.
Keep at it - great start.
I tried singing it and making a tune up as I went along, and it came across pretty well. A couple of lines were awkward to sing, but that's not hard to fix.
I also stumbled a bit on the 'you and Claire' bit when first reading it, but when actually singing it seemed to work fine and provided a point to emphasise. I did assume that Claire was the daughter and 'you' the wife, but it did cause a short pause to think about who they might be.
I guess I'd also like to see a bit more of a twist, an extra story element, or perhaps a punchline of some sort to add a bit more interest.
Yes I agree. It's not an action filled song. :D
The "punchline" that I was going for in this song was the gradual realization by the listener that this really isn't about a car trip at all, but something else.
I tried to build that realization through the course of the song. The first verse provides a minor clue. About half-way through the 2nd it starts to become clearer and by the 3rd, if you are paying attention you might pick up on it. (Although I now see how one could miss it entirely very easily.)
I do think that maybe I need to sit down and try to meter it out a little better, to get rid of the awkwardness.
If I have learned one important thing so far about song writing it's this...
People can not read your mind. What seems clear to you (circumstances, background and intent) when you were writing does not necessarily pop into the head of the listener.
Maybe my next song needs to be a little more direct and not taking so many things for granted.
BTW, Chris which lines stood out as awkward to you?
John A.
They say only a pawnshop guitar can play the blues. An eBay one does it better. A guitar's bound to feel unloved if her owner plasters pictures of her over the internet for all to see and then sells her off to the highest anonymous bidder.
If I have learned one important thing so far about song writing it's this...
People can not read your mind. What seems clear to you (circumstances, background and intent) when you were writing does not necessarily pop into the head of the listener.
Maybe my next song needs to be a little more direct and not taking so many things for granted.
BTW, Chris which lines stood out as awkward to you?
The 'mind reading' thing is always there for any writer. When you're putting your words down on paper the imagery is clear in your head and it's not immediately clear how much actually made it down onto the paper.
The usual advice given to writers is to put the piece away for a few days or more - as much time as you can spare really. Then read it again when it's 'gone cold' in your own mind. If you stop, stumble, wonder, or have any hesitation when you re-read then it means you probably didn't get it quite right.
There was no particular line that I remember as being awkward, it was more to do with the way I was trying to sing it. Some lyrics seem to just sing themselves when you read them, but others require you to compress or lengthen certain words, make minor word changes etc. I.e you run a couple of words together quickly to fit the beat, or stay on a syllable for twice the usual time,or whatever. Just the sort of meter tidying you talk about really.
The great thing about a song though, as opposed to just a piece of prose or poetry is that the singer (and music) have a huge opportunity to interpret the song and add colour and meaning. So what might be a bit flat on the page can be vibrant and clear with the right treatment. :D
Have you sung it yourself, or done any work on the music side of things? I'd like to hear it if you ever get an mp3 together - or is that still a bit down the track for you?
I'm at the stage where I do compose the words and the music, and play and sing, but (out of compassion for the listening public) I currently still limit my audience to the birdlife in my garden.... :wink:
Cheers, Chris
Maybe my next song needs to be a little more direct and not taking so many things for granted.
I would not wait for the next song. There is a tremendous amount of potential with this song so don't lose it by moving on. I really like the basic flow of it and there are some really good comments above regarding streamlining it a little.
I think one of the things you are trying to say is that "my life went down the toilet when you and Claire left" If so I would focus on making that line fit better and easier to sing. I hope that makes sense since I don't have a good suggestion for how to do that.
Great first attempt, keep it up.
Would love to hear it when you put music to it.
I liked it a lot. I thought the rhyme scheme was good, but I do have to agree with the "you and Claire" part being a bit choppy. If you like it the way it is, then that's all that matters, but I would recomend throwing in a synonym or two so the song relates to the listener more. Otherwise, keep it up!
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
I do have music and a melody for it. It's written in DADGAD and is very easy to play. In fact, if you have 2 fingers and a thumb to strum you can play this song.
However, since I started playing I have discovered I have the lung capacity of a small hamster. I doubt I'll ever be a singer. This coupled with the fact that I have no way of recording this in a format I could post is a problem.
Ironically, with the melody I have the "You and Claire" line actually is very smooth. The line before it "My last friend got off..." seems awkward to me. It's hard to tell without the melody.
As far as you and Claire leaving, I see it more of an "effect" than "cause". This guy has screwed his life up so bad with destructive behavior his wife left him and now even his last friend has given up hope. I see him pretty much near the bottom of a downward spiral. The sad thing is by the 3rd verse, he's developed a fatalistic attitude and just doesn't think he has the strength to stop. That's why I didn't elaborate on the wife. To me, she's incidental to the real story.
Not all troubles are "woman troubles". (But most of them are.... :D )
John A.
They say only a pawnshop guitar can play the blues. An eBay one does it better. A guitar's bound to feel unloved if her owner plasters pictures of her over the internet for all to see and then sells her off to the highest anonymous bidder.
