So I decided to try and write one of these noncliche lovesongthingies.. This song should speak more or less by itself, but I thought I'd run it by you anyway for any comments at all :)
V1
Your body is a playground
where my fantasies run wild,
reality fades and my dreams come true
with you
CHORUS:
Your words echoing in my head
Can I stay the night
in your dreams
V2
You're out of my reach, you're just like the stars
you always seem to shine
And selfishly, I feed my hopes, I wish myself
upon you
Bridge-thingy
It won't make no difference
but it wouldn't make any sense
curled on these sheets, dried tears on my cheeks
you and me
(end on chorus and a solo that would make everyone burst into tears etc etc, if i only knew how)
hoping to get some response
man:)
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
hey dude..quite a nifty song u got there..keep the first verse its cool....er,lol keep up the good work.. gaz :D
"people laugh at me because im different...i pity you..because your all the same"
like the my dreams come true line better than through.
I am a little confused though.
You start out with a real physical thang talking about fantasies and playground...not too deep of a relationship
but then you go into the dried tears on the cheeks, making it seem like there is some deeper relationship.
They just didn't seem to match up for me.
The chorus also left me a little confused. It doesn't seem like she is the one with the dreams.
Just a thought:
CHORUS:
Your words echoing in my head
You say you'll stay the night
in my dreams
Not trying to be negative on it. I think you have some good stuff. I just felt confused on what you wanted out of the relationship with this other person.
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
Thanks a bunch gaz, means a lot :)
i think you're right, as usual gmilam.. even when it comes to my own song :o
I think I will change the chorus to something i came up with after reading yours:
CHORUS:
Your words echoing in my head
Can I stay the night
in your dreams
the whole point lies in the double meaning of the last line, so i'd rather not change that one.
I've been frying my brain trying to make some more sense of this song, because i feel it goes a little this way and then this way.. but i don't want to change too much and had come to a complete halt. But I feel i can finish it now :)
also for the bridge part thingy i could change it to "dried tears on my cheeks" instead, i feel that would make some difference, for the better.
I'll edit the song, I hope you can go over it again and see if it flows your boat
a very happy
man:)
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
Look forward to the edit....I'm sure my boat will float :wink:
You might not want to get on it though...it usually floats right over a waterfall :shock:
Be Blessed!
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
You've got some good ideas in here - a few suggestions
The first line throws me a bit because its too close to the John Mayer song (Your body is a wonderland) so its painting the wrong picture in my head.
I love the "in your dreams" idea and I think you could develop this further - maybe there's a way to create a contrast between "in your dreams" and "in my dreams" ....?
I'd keep the physical stuff out of it (body, dried tears etc) and concentrate on the imagination side (fantasy, dreams etc)
Try repeating the "in your / my dreams" phrase at the end of each verse to get maximum impact on the double meaning
Good Luck
Danny
