Tear it apart, how else will I know :)
One Wrong to Many
ã 2004 Lucy Inkpen
Got a question I'd like to ask, but I'm afraid it's true
Afraid you're gonna verify, what everyone else knew
I was a fool for staying, standing by your side
You better start backing up all them alibis
You say you're working overtime, the pay it is real good
Providing for your family, just like a good man should
One thing I can't figure out, if it's true what you say
How come all that overtime, ain't added to your pay
chorus
One more wrong, is gonna be one too many
I've done my best; the rest is up to you
Go if you want; I ain't beggin you to stay
One more wrong hit the old highway
You never ever went to church, now you never miss a week
If I ask you what was preached, you say you went to sleep
I went myself just last week; I was feeling kind of low
Thinking I might see you there, but you didn't show
Lucy :D
Lucy,
As always brilliant! Your songs are as good as they are regular!!! If only I could write as much.
Anyway - first up, I would suggest moving the chorus until after verse 2. The last line of verse 1 is 'You better start backing up all them alibis', and verse 2 is you starting to talk about those alibis, so I think the chorus would fit better afterwards.
Second, personally, I would lose the second 'wrong' from the first line of the chorus. Seems a little redundant, but that's up to you.
Lastly - MORE! I say that not only because it's great, but also because it seems a little unfinished, like you are just getting into your stride and then stop. Not suggesting an opus, but just one more verse or an outro-type thing to bring some resolution would perfect it.
Yet again, great work!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
Really good! I have no complaints!
I aggree with gjbrake, wait with the chorus until you've sung the second verse.
well impressed i reall like it :D keep upt he good work....gaz
"people laugh at me because im different...i pity you..because your all the same"
Thanks Guys,
I made the couple changes you suggested and I see what you mean by it needing another verse or something :D btw
lucy :)
Hiya,
IMHO - this is an excellent set of lyrics, and having read through I think it's actually complete without even calling the chorus a chorus; I'd use it as a bridge.
Best,
A :-)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk
Thank-you Alan for the comments and suggestion
lucy :)
Fantanstic lyrik Inkpen.I agree with Alan on just calling the chorus a bridge.But a little more words would make it complete. Take care Ken...
lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores
If you dont mind me replying. I think you did an excellent job on the song. Dont really think theres anything to say to make it better...i think its awesome....i could easily imagine hearing this in my head n how it sounds with music if u ever post an mp3 or anything id love 2 hear it.....really good concept n everything.....well done.........
Rain Shadow
