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One Wrong Too Many
 
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One Wrong Too Many

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(@inkpen)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 66
Topic starter  

Tear it apart, how else will I know :)

One Wrong to Many
ã 2004 Lucy Inkpen

Got a question I'd like to ask, but I'm afraid it's true
Afraid you're gonna verify, what everyone else knew
I was a fool for staying, standing by your side
You better start backing up all them alibis

You say you're working overtime, the pay it is real good
Providing for your family, just like a good man should
One thing I can't figure out, if it's true what you say
How come all that overtime, ain't added to your pay

chorus
One more wrong, is gonna be one too many
I've done my best; the rest is up to you
Go if you want; I ain't beggin you to stay
One more wrong hit the old highway

You never ever went to church, now you never miss a week
If I ask you what was preached, you say you went to sleep
I went myself just last week; I was feeling kind of low
Thinking I might see you there, but you didn't show

Lucy :D


   
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(@gjbrake)
Reputable Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 235
 

Lucy,

As always brilliant! Your songs are as good as they are regular!!! If only I could write as much.

Anyway - first up, I would suggest moving the chorus until after verse 2. The last line of verse 1 is 'You better start backing up all them alibis', and verse 2 is you starting to talk about those alibis, so I think the chorus would fit better afterwards.

Second, personally, I would lose the second 'wrong' from the first line of the chorus. Seems a little redundant, but that's up to you.

Lastly - MORE! I say that not only because it's great, but also because it seems a little unfinished, like you are just getting into your stride and then stop. Not suggesting an opus, but just one more verse or an outro-type thing to bring some resolution would perfect it.

Yet again, great work!

G

Listen Louder Than You Play


   
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(@jonsi)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 128
 

Really good! I have no complaints!

I aggree with gjbrake, wait with the chorus until you've sung the second verse.


   
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(@gaz-uk)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 148
 

well impressed i reall like it :D keep upt he good work....gaz

"people laugh at me because im different...i pity you..because your all the same"


   
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(@inkpen)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 66
Topic starter  

Thanks Guys,

I made the couple changes you suggested and I see what you mean by it needing another verse or something :D btw

lucy :)


   
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(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Hiya,

IMHO - this is an excellent set of lyrics, and having read through I think it's actually complete without even calling the chorus a chorus; I'd use it as a bridge.

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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(@inkpen)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 66
Topic starter  

Thank-you Alan for the comments and suggestion

lucy :)


   
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(@nitetrapper)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 149
 

Fantanstic lyrik Inkpen.I agree with Alan on just calling the chorus a bridge.But a little more words would make it complete. Take care Ken...

lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores


   
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(@lostbeggining)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 197
 

If you dont mind me replying. I think you did an excellent job on the song. Dont really think theres anything to say to make it better...i think its awesome....i could easily imagine hearing this in my head n how it sounds with music if u ever post an mp3 or anything id love 2 hear it.....really good concept n everything.....well done.........

Rain Shadow


   
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