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New song I wrote the other day

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(@youngrawker)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 39
Topic starter  

So yeah, I know this song is pretty good if anyone would like to comment that would be great......

"PRESSURE"

A bloody rose dying from the cold in winter
A single leaf loosing color in the middle of the fall
A scar that never stops bleeding like a deadly splinter
And a lonely shadow flying across the wall

Black tears pour down on me like rain
And your the only cure to kill the pain

Please don't leave me here to die alone without you I can't breathe
Please don't leave me here to die alone can you set this broken heart free?
The pressures burning me alive

Trapt in this cage
And the walls are closing in
Theres no hope
At the end of my rope
And strength is getting thin
I can't stand one more minute
of solitude and sorrow
I'm falling apart
open up your heart
And help me see the light of tommorow

Black tears pour down on me like rain
And your the only cure to kill the pain

Please don't leave me here to die alone without you I can't breathe
Please don't leave me here to die alone can you set this broken heart free?
The pressures burning me alive

Close your eyes
Open up your heart
I'm falling apart
Close your eyes
Open up your heart
I'm dying in the dark

Black tears pour down on me like rain
And your the only cure to kill the pain

Please don't leave me here to die alone without you I can't breathe
Please don't leave me here to die alone can you set this broken heart free?
The pressures burning me alive


   
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(@youngrawker)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 39
Topic starter  

^wow, I must be really bad at this! .....oh well.......


   
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(@oasisman)
Eminent Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 25
 

I like the content, it's good. :D

The way the song is structured confuses me though, :? you've got 4 lines first up and the next part I'm guessing is the bridge. Then it's the chorus, all this is fine except after the chorus it seems to change :? ; next it appears to be the 2nd verse but is structured completely differently from the 1st verse. Slight deviation is fine but this ain't slight. Then it's the bridge again which is fine, all good. Then it's the chorus again, good, and then what appears to be verse 3, I'm not sure, is it a middle section? I don't know, :? I hope you can see what I'm getting at.

There is no structure that I can see, as I said slight deviation in structure is fine but this is not slight. The content is really good and I'm sure you can re-write it to make it much better.

Keep writing man, re-writing is a huge part of songwriting, it basically always happens. :D

:idea: I don't know if it's just me but I do think labeling each section does help. See below :arrow:
(Verse 1)
A bloody rose dying from the cold in winter
A single leaf loosing color in the middle of the fall
A scar that never stops bleeding like a deadly splinter
And a lonely shadow flying across the wall

(Bridge)
Black tears pour down on me like rain
And your the only cure to kill the pain

(Chorus)
Please don't leave me here to die alone without you I can't breathe
Please don't leave me here to die alone can you set this broken heart free?
The pressures burning me alive

Cheers.


   
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(@youngrawker)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 39
Topic starter  

ok cool, I was kinda' thinking of that but I might not change it because the 1st verse is suposta' be kinda' slow and then it gets fast on the 2nd and 3rd. But thanx alot!


   
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(@oasisman)
Eminent Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 25
 

ok, if it sounds good then it is good. :D


   
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