Soldiers in Love

This is incredible! You've painted an extremely vivid picture, I wouldn't change any of the words. My only suggestion would be to divide it up at some point to make it a little more readable.
One of the best songs I've seen on this site. Good Job!
:D

Nice work. I'm picturing something Cockburnesque?

I agree with Rush that breaking it up would help the listener follow the meaning. Not to sound too "commercial", but I think a nice simple, one or two line chorus, even if it's only done in BGV's, would enhance the song if you can find the right lyrics.

I think most of the lines are brilliant eg.
So sunken eyes tell more chat room lies
To another bored kid on the other side

and
chemical tears

Not such a big fan of
Her kids are addicts to some harmful gases

and
They don't run for a ball, they're all running from the police

I can't quite put my finger on it, so it could just be me.

thanks for the comments! its actually a poem its not meant to be a song sorry i should of said!

awesome writing, it looks like you just kinda Unloaded your thoughts, and it turned out SWEET! the last 3 lines have to be my favorite. You could break this down into a bunch of different songs i think, if you wanted to.

Some REALLY great phrases in that little lot I really like it as a poem , maybe you can take the ideas you have there and do us a song ?

Would really like to hear something on those lines but condensed a little put to music .

Thanks really like your thoughtful writing.