Breathing in heavy air of lies,
Hiding grief in this bitter wine,
Finding beauty in porcelain strength,
Not enough to say goodbye.
Castles, built on the shards of dreams
Are just pain's another guise,
And my heart that was never whole
Will be wrecked by parting twice.
You are leaving and taking a part of me away,
You have followed the calling of once so precious days,
And my tears are pouring as Sunday morning's rain.
It's erasing the footsteps on our ways that crossed,
Now the rain will remind me of you - my greatest loss.
You are gone, and life's colors are fading.
It's the dusk of my brightest dawn -
Sunday morning. But life goes on
Under signs of submissive waiting
And greatly missing.
I'm a shadow of your light,
Giving up this internal fight.
You will always be out of touch,
But you're always mine in mind.
You are leaving and taking a part of me away,
You have followed the calling of once so precious days,
And my tears are pouring as Sunday morning's rain.
It's erasing the footsteps on our ways that crossed,
Now the rain will remind me of you - my greatest loss.
You are gone, and life's colors are fading.
ABD,
At first reading it appears wordy, though as a poem it reads well. Does it have any music yet? :note2:
With the right musical score it could be an awesome song.
snydley
Ric
"I've got blisters on my fingers." - Ringo Starr
No music yet, I really need help with that.
It's erasing the footsteps on our ways that crossed,
I would change 'ways' to 'paths'.
Are just pain's another guise,
I do not understand. 'Are just pain is another guise' ? What? :?
Ways are ways, and paths are paths.
The answer to the second question is obvious - there's such a thing as a possessive case.
No music yet, I really need help with that.
Perhaps check out open mics and you can find a musician that inspires you and they can help you with the music.
Ways are ways, and paths are paths.
I see what you mean about ways and paths. This isn't talking about routes taken, it is talking about how someone is, how they act or behave.
Ric
"I've got blisters on my fingers." - Ringo Starr
Where is the song about Saturday Night ?
" Stalking is a sign of desperateness, a psychological problem hence a disease."
Where is the song about Saturday Night ?
Try checking out Elton John or Cat Stevens.
Ric
"I've got blisters on my fingers." - Ringo Starr
They were rockin' on
Saturday Night
S - A - T - U - R - D - A - Y
Anyway, back to Sunday Morning:
I don't understand that line either. I understand the possessive.
Castles, built on the shards of dreams,
Are just pain's another guise,
Do you mean another or other?
I'm sure pain has many more guises so "another" is appropriate but . . . . really awkwardly worded.
I tripped over it anyway.
And, yes, it does look "poemy" . . . . but ya never know until it's put to music.
You have some really beautiful lines in there, BD.
I liked this especially:
You will always be out of touch,
But you're always mine in mind.
KR2
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Thanks for the attention!
I'll keep the open mic section in mind.
As for the title, it's personal, no one except menows why it's exactly Sunday morning rather than Saturday or something else, but Sunday is symbolical as well, it is the beginning of the new week, here - the beginning of something new.
And "another" is perfectly correct, as here I'm trying to say that pain has two guises, one is seen, one is hidden, "castles , built on the shards of dreams" are the hidden one.
And "another" is perfectly correct, as here I'm trying to say that pain has two guises, one is seen, one is hidden, "castles , built on the shards of dreams" are the hidden one.
It's not that it's incorrect, it's just akward. "Other" is less akward and no less correct.
Perhaps "another" would work better in this line if it was written as such: "Are just pain's - another guise".
This way it seems to read a little smoother.
Ric
"I've got blisters on my fingers." - Ringo Starr
The dash is not relevant here.
Everything is fine as it is.
The dash is not relevant here.
Everything is fine as it is.
Ok
Why did you post these lyrics here? You seem to not be open to any comments. Are they just here to display or do you want feedback?
Ric
"I've got blisters on my fingers." - Ringo Starr
Everything is fine as it is.
Then why bother posting it? We're giving you constructive criticism, which is why people post in this forum. If you aren't going to consider any changes to your songs (And your mind seems to be made up before you even bother posting. Just look at your other threads in this forum. You always end up saying it's fine how it is and you won't make changes) go record them and post in Hear Here.
And write an upbeat song for once! :roll:
