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(Temporary Title) - Not Worthy

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(@elecktrablue)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 4338
Topic starter  

Not Worthy
Elecktrablue

If they find out she's not worthy
If they find out she's not strong
If they find out she's not able
Will she suddenly be gone?

Sometimes she gets jealous
Sometimes she tells lies
Sometimes she gets lonely
Sometimes she just cries

If they knew those things about her
If they knew how she'd done wrong
If they knew the things that wound her
Would she suddenly be gone?

Would all of her existence
Suddenly disappear?
Like waking from a dream?
Inside another dream, inside a dream?

Sometimes she can just about
Feel that she is real
Sometimes she can't imagine
How she fits into the world

(this isn't finished, either!)

..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .·´
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´ -:¦:- Elecktrablue -:¦:-

"Don't wanna ride no shootin' star. Just wanna play on the rhythm guitar." Emmylou Harris, "Rhythm Guitar" from "The Ballad of Sally Rose"


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Just a couple of thoughts, as this is unfinished:

First thing, this struck me as being a sort of medium-paced (medium-paced? I've definitely been watching too much cricket!)....OK, medium tempo country song....

Second thing, there's a kind of disparity between the first and second verses - assuming

Sometimes she gets jealous
Sometimes she tells lies
Sometimes she gets lonely
Sometimes she just cries

to be the chorus......

The first verse implies looking into the future (If they find out.....Will she) whilst the second implies the present...(Would she....).....Maybe if you changed it slightly, i.e. "if they'd found out" instead of "if they find out" and "would she" instead of "will she".......that way your verses are going from (implied) past to (implied) present instead of (implied) future to (implied) present.....hope that makes sense, but that's how it struck me...

I'm not too sure about the actual structure, but I suppose all will become clear when you finish it.......!

Vic.

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@musicmaniac221)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 148
 

is this linking personal experience...i cant seem to get at whats its about..im not good at that stuff...if i looked at it for like half n' hour maybe...but not 5-10 minutes....it seems emotional and linked to yourself....good song...i have no suggestions...sorry :(

Do what you love, love what you do
http://www.acidplanet.com
-Nick


   
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(@elecktrablue)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 4338
Topic starter  

is this linking personal experience...i cant seem to get at whats its about..im not good at that stuff...if i looked at it for like half n' hour maybe...but not 5-10 minutes....it seems emotional and linked to yourself....good song...i have no suggestions...sorry :(

Yep..... this is totally personal and it's totally about me........... probably why I'm having such a hard time finishing it! Nobody can do it but me!!!!! :D

..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .·´
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´ -:¦:- Elecktrablue -:¦:-

"Don't wanna ride no shootin' star. Just wanna play on the rhythm guitar." Emmylou Harris, "Rhythm Guitar" from "The Ballad of Sally Rose"


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Elecktrablue

Good start. I think Vic is on the right track with the advice to straighten out the tense issue. I have a thought on the so called chorus if that's what it turns out to be.

Sometimes she gets jealous
Sometimes she tells lies
Sometimes she gets lonely
Sometimes she just cries

How about changing it slightly each time you use it .

Such as Chorus 2 could read something like:

Sometimes she gets angry
Sometimes she could scream
Sometimes she gets quiet
Sometimes she just Dreams

Just a thought.

Celt

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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(@elecktrablue)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 4338
Topic starter  

And, it's an excellent thought. I was thinking about this song on my plane trip back from AZ and may work on it a little more this evening! Thank you, again!

..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .·´
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´ -:¦:- Elecktrablue -:¦:-

"Don't wanna ride no shootin' star. Just wanna play on the rhythm guitar." Emmylou Harris, "Rhythm Guitar" from "The Ballad of Sally Rose"


   
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(@lostbeggining)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 197
 

Another very good song. Can definetly feel the emotion in it....I personaly wouldnt say its that short really....Again this could really work well at any tempo.....Good song, keep it up!

NeM

Rain Shadow


   
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(@elecktrablue)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 4338
Topic starter  

is this linking personal experience...i cant seem to get at whats its about..im not good at that stuff...if i looked at it for like half n' hour maybe...but not 5-10 minutes....it seems emotional and linked to yourself....good song...i have no suggestions...sorry :(

I don't think I explained it very well the first time............ I guess the thing that I'm trying to express are the self-doubts, the self esteem that somehow sometimes gets mixed up into different "realities". By that I mean, we all have our actual "reality". The things that we go through every day, the persona that we are seen to be on a daily basis, the person that other people see us as, versus the way we see ourselves (OK....... the way I see myself, but I know that I'm not the only person in the world that feels this way at times). Since no one knows us better than ourselves, we are the only ones who really know that
"Sometimes she gets jealous
Sometimes she tells lies
Sometimes she gets lonely
Sometimes she just cries"
I think we all feel that "worthlessness" at some point in our lives and we have (at least most of us have, whether we readily admit it or not), wondered what life would be like if we weren't here........ or, what if life was nothing but a dream and we're all characters inside that dream and when whoever is doing the dreaming wakes up will we cease to be?

Is it making any more sense to you or have I totally messed with your mind? LOL!!! :D

..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .·´
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´ -:¦:- Elecktrablue -:¦:-

"Don't wanna ride no shootin' star. Just wanna play on the rhythm guitar." Emmylou Harris, "Rhythm Guitar" from "The Ballad of Sally Rose"


   
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