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the local bar

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(@sally45)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

well for starters I am not old enough (nor do I wish) to go to any bar around here. But, today at work this woman was telling me all her stories about how she used to go to a bar everyday of the week and etc. and it kind of got me thinking.

To me the song seems kind of uneventless and i'm just not to sure about this one. So, suggestions would be great.

The Local Bar

V1
out on a friday night
the sky is dark but I'm feelin allright so far
headed to the local bar
where people go to drown their sorrows for the most part

chorus
and there's always that woman at the door
just drunk enough to still think she's still got a chance at love
and he thinks he's got a chance at love
as they fall all over each other all over again

V2
I cant really stay to long
cuz saturday i've got a date with the TV
but there's no where else id rather be
then making polite conversation with such familiar strangers

chorus
bridge (didn't write lyrics yet but have the riff....ideas anyone?)

V3
I went home in no time flat
the men are cheap and the drinks are much more expensive
walking along the sun starts to shine
either my imagination or I've passed a little to much time

chorus

it might need some help idk ...any feedback would be appriciated :D

Sally


   
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(@hurricane)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 35
 

Hi Sally

i like this althogh i cant quite gat a rythym going in my head when i read it.

a few cracking lines in there like

"just drunk enough to still think she's got a chance at love"
but how about the next line reading

"in her mind she's as white as a dove"
just a suggestion

also

"the men are cheap and the drinks much more expensive"
best line in the song....really like it a local bar from a females perspective.

on the bridge.... just a little improv

the room seems to spin
a thousand eyes
500 people who tell no lies
everybodys posing, looking to pull
but not moving first
fear they'll look a fool.
you can feel the tension,
they're all on the edge.
Ready to fall and get drunk instead.

like i said just something off the cuff, take from it what you will.

nice stuff, this is what i try to do also,
you know take everyday experiences and situations
cos at the end of the day people can relate to what they know.

cheers
hurricane

And i'll tell it and think it and speak it and breathe it and reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it.- Bob Dylan,a hard rains gonna fall


   
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(@sally45)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

thanks for the feedback and help on the bridge. I'll try it out but i'm not sure how well it will fit in with the guitar. I know what you mean about the rhythm but it sounds fine, to me at least, when played and not read.
---------------------
for the line
"in her mind she's as white as a dove"
idk what you mean by that or how it goes with the song...maybe it's just me.

thanks again
Sally :D


   
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(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 83
 

"in her mind she's as white as a dove"
i don't know what hurricane meant but i gather this. dove stands for peace and white for purity. so, though "she" doesn't have a love life as such, but she's still kinda ok with it. peaceful and pure in her mind. just my guess.
the rest of the song is fine. good stuff. needs some rephrasing to make it better. like, v1
out on a friday night
the sky is dark but I'm feelin allright so far
headed to the local bar
where people go to drown their sorrows for the most part
how about changin it to :
out on a friday night
the sky is dark but I'm feelin allright so far
headed to the local bar
where sad folks drown their stories in a whiskey jar

in the chorus' 2nd line, you can safely drop the first "still" to make the line flow better, just drunk enough to think she's still got a chance at love" and hurricane did a good job for your bridge. i liked the first four lines but i'm not too sure about the rest. you could have your own spin on that. good work. work more on it...

Sachin :D

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
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(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Hiya,

It's one of those songs you wish you could hear how the writer intends it to come out. There are some very good ideas in here, Sally, and I think it should be worked on until it's finished.

Any chance we could get to listen?

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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(@sally45)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

thanks to everyone for their suggestions. However, this song prooved to be a very particular one and alot of the ideas didn't fit in with the timing of the music..which really sucks for lack of a better term. Ill ty to record it...maybe this weekend. I'll be the first to admit my voice is ehh....well terrible to say the least :oops: but anyway...thanks again for everyones help

"in the chorus' 2nd line, you can safely drop the first "still" to make the line flow better, just drunk enough to think she's still got a chance at love"
^that a was a typo when i posted the song...my bad

well...here is what I came up with for the (possibly) finished product

V1
out on a friday night
the sky is dark but I'm feelin allright so far
headed to the local bar
where people go to drown their sorrows for the most part

chorus
and there's always that woman at the door
just drunk enough to still think she's got a chance at love
and he still thinks his wife wont find out
as they fall all over each other all over again

V2
I cant really stay to long
cuz saturday i've got a date with the TV
but there's no where else id rather be
then making polite conversation with such familiar strangers

chorus
and there's always that woman at the door
just drunk enough to still think she's got a chance at love
and he still thinks his wife wont find out
as they fall all over each other all over again

bridge
She seems so nerves but she's been here before
he's happily married but a little bored
as he hands her his number and his buisness card

don't know whats commin' and they don't care
'cuz it's the last time she'll ever see him there
as their intuition gets wrapped up in each others arms

V3
I went home in no time flat
the men are cheap and the drinks are much too expensive
walking along the sun starts to shine
either my imagination or I've passed a little to much time

chorus2
and there will always be that woman at the door
just drunk enough to still think she's got a chance at love
and he still thinks his wife didn't find out
when they fell all over each other all over again

the only thing that's really different is the chorus and the bridge...i wish I could have done a better job of adding in people's ideas but it just didn't fit. any other ideas for improvment are always welcome :D

Sally


   
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