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FindYourself

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(@nitetrapper)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 149
Topic starter  

Find yourself

v1
Standing in the kitchen only seventeen
When my daddy said to me
Son I've seen that look before
Life is good but you think theres more
v2
I know its hard for you to believe
But I was once seventeen
Then my daddy saw that same look in my eye
He said son go look for what you think you'll find
Chorus
I found
Theres nothing better than the smell of home made bread
When you talk to people they mean what they've said
Everybody knows you by your first name
Works for making a living, to many take it as a game
I found theres no one like your mom out there
In the end I found myself right back here.
v3
I hear theres a walmart going up in Johnson's field
All the people think its a real big deal
I think thats enough progress this small town needs
Everyone thinks more is what you need to succeed.
v4
Son thats enough talking you'd better go
Don't you forget you'll always have a home
Maybe you'll find what you're looking for in the city
Whats good for you may not be good for me.
Bridge
Ain't life funny we all take our turns
We laugh we love, live and learn.
Chorus
I found
Theres nothing better than the smell of home made bread
When you talk to people they mean what they've said
Everybody knows you by your first name
Works for making a living,to many take it as a game
I found theres no one like your mom out there
In the end I found myself right back here.

lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores


   
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(@sally45)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 56
 

nitetrapper,

Nice job on this I really liked the first 2 verses. Just a couple of suggestions though...

the line
"Works for making a living not playing a game"

sounded kind of akward to me..maybe if you rephrased it as "Works to make a living and not by playing a game" or "Making a living working and not by playing a game" ...just a thought.

"I think thats enough progress this small town needs
Everyone thinks more is what you need to succeed."

what if you changed it to "Everyone thinks more is what you gotta have to succeed." instead of using the word need twice along with succeed next to the second need.

just one more thing, I promise...

Verse 4 seems to change perspectives...I'm confused whos talking or who they're talking to ...are you talking to the listener? or is it your (the person in the song's) dad talking to you again like the first verse

Other than thoes minor things..this is really good. Nice job. I especially liked how the verses flow really great into the chorus...gives it a country feel I think.

Sally


   
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(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 83
 

Everyone thinks more is what you need to succeed.
8)
ken, you never cease to amaze me man. awesome down-the-memory-lane stuff. good work dude. very good work.

sachin

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
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(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Hiya,

It's good.

The line about making a living seems to be getting the most attention. Anyone seen that film about the airliner that ran out of fuel 40,000 feet up in the air and halfway to somewhere? There's a guy on that who throws away his dictaphone at the end cos he was "too busy making a living to have a life" - or something pretty close to that. Maybe you could develop that line a little. Otherwise, I like it as it is.

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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(@gmilam)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 159
 

Very nice...I really like this one.

My only comment would be along the lines of the verse 4 comment.

Maybe use some pick up words to the verse like

"Then Daddy said"...
Thats enough talking you'd better go
Don't you forget you'll always have a home

Just to clarify who's talking.

This is one of my favorites from you Trap!

I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)


   
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(@snoogans775)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 297
 

I really like it, especially the movement in the chorus
I wished the 4th line could be more powerful, I felt like ti slowed down the emotion of the song, which could be good, but it lost there ad brought me back at the chorus

I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!


   
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(@nitetrapper)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 149
Topic starter  

Hi everybody that repleyed,Ive been layed up for a while so i havent been able to check my pc. Thanks for all the great feedback. I've made a few changes. I hope they clear things up a bit. Thanks again Nite......

lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores


   
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(@dillydally)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 147
 

Nite I Love This Song! I printed it out and showed it to my band mates and we wanted to know if we could use the lyrics and write music to it... then post a link on hear at: Hear Here to see if you think the music goes along with the music :D

It's 15 Till And She Has The Other 45 In Her Mouth.


   
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(@dillydally)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 147
 

We would give you credit of course- forgot to add that in...

( Small Town Band ) lol

It's 15 Till And She Has The Other 45 In Her Mouth.


   
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(@nitetrapper)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 149
Topic starter  

Hi Dilly Dally, Sure go ahead and put some music to the song.if anything happens and the song takes off we split fifty fifty.as cowriters. And one more thing please send me a link to hear it. Take care Nite.....

lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores


   
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(@dillydally)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 147
 

If we take off you can be our lyrics creator lol but yes if we make profits off of it you get credit and 50/50 on it and thanks :D

It's 15 Till And She Has The Other 45 In Her Mouth.


   
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(@dillydally)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 147
 

and check out my songs sink or swim and review :o

It's 15 Till And She Has The Other 45 In Her Mouth.


   
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