Ok I wrote a little of this one on the way to work this morning. Not even sure about this one myself. I came up with a rhyme scheme that feels a little weird but I went with it anyway.
Let me know what you think.
Choose your poison
V1
The sign said to turn here for garden drugs
There's a weed on the roof seems the sign was true
She looked like she had already taken her turn
How sweet that they share what death wills them to do
V2
Her head on his shoulder no tears from the pain
Of the life shes been living or the memories she knew
His face carries scars from his youth and the burn
Of the poison they share that death wills them to do
Chorus
Its a little ray of sunshine she cries you know my days are dark
It's a tiny piece of magic he lies cause my reality is stark
Its the fix the hit the candy that will get us through the day
But it's the tricks the sh*t the man in black that will have the final say
V3
This bench is so comfortable who'd ask for more
When your senses are numbed and your lives are dark blue
Its been but an hour and already they yearn
For the habit they share that death wills them to do
V4
The sign says to turn here for garden drugs
The weed has since wilted the bench has a new
Pair of users too young and too foolish to learn
That they're ending their life just like death wills them to
Chorus
Its a little ray of sunshine she cries you know my days are dark
It's a tiny piece of magic he lies cause my reality is stark
Its the fix the hit the candy that will get us through the day
But it's the tricks the sh*t the man in black that will have the final say
TheJackal
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=283413
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Ok,
Starting to wonder if this one is just not worth commenting on.
My ego is fragile people. Throw a dog a bone. haha
TheJackal.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=283413
Only dead fish go with the flow.
While depressing....there is some cool imagery in there.
I guess my only comment would be this. I don't seem to care about their problems because you haven't told me anything about them or why they are mainlining their lives away.
On its own I don't have any problem with the words or scheme, but I'm just not connecting to it. Give us some meat to the story.
Just a thought.....BTW It is definately worth commenting on....Good start !
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
Thanks
I hear what your saying there but I am not sure how to make the connection on this one. This is actually what I saw on the way to work the other morning. Two people (obviously on drugs) on a bus stop bench outside a store named Garden Drugs. It had a sign on it that said turn here for garden drugs and there was a weed growing in the gutter of the roof. haha I just took it from there. So it really was an observation. Any tips on making it a little more personal?
TheJackal.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=283413
Only dead fish go with the flow.
I tried to come up with some good stuff but I'm not too good at that either.
The only thing that really comes to mind, and don't laugh, is the way John Cougar did Jack n' Diane. I know it's a different feel but had good character development I thought.
Sorry nothing specific...I have a long way to go on that stuff too.
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
Hi Jackal,This song has some real potetial.But I got lost half way thru and I'm not sure why. I think if you start the song with something like.
They use to have a good life
Thier minds were bright and clear
I dont know for sure.But add something personal like youguys were talking about. I guess i'll wait for the rewrite. Take care. Nite..................
lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores
Thanks for the comments guys.
I am thinking of trying to incorporate the "and the sign said turn here for garden drugs" into the chorus and take your suggestions about pesonalizing the verses a little more.
I will repost if I achieve this. lol
Thanks again,
TheJackal.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=283413
Only dead fish go with the flow.
I like but as nite said i got a tad lost... otherwise nice song... guessing theres alot of meaning in it
Names for It: Alter Ego, Forbidden Drive? lol
It's 15 Till And She Has The Other 45 In Her Mouth.
