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The Promised Land - Please Critique

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(@mr-d)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 22
Topic starter  

Hey all,

My latest offering. Any thoughts?

The Promised Land

Full moon starlight
In her golden hair
Washed out and wasted
How I found her here
In sunken eyes I see
Shreds of long gone dreams
Of silver spoons and magic times
On the silver screen

Six string soldier
Was gonna change the world
Packed up his stuff
Left his favourite girl
Can hear in his voice
That path's been tough
Strummin for quarters
In a paper cup

Livin in the promised land
Sinkin in the quick sand

The Native son
Used to be a man
Now he's just a shell
Cell phone in hand
MVP
For the corporate team
Sold his sould
For the American dream

Livin in the promised land
Sinkin in the quick sand

Livin in the promised land
Sinkin in the quick sand
_________________________

Thanks for reading,
Dillon

I use heavy strings, tune low, play hard and floor it. Floor it. That's technical talk.
—SRV


   
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 Val
(@val)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 106
 

I think this is very good writing.

The violent juxtaposition of images creates a very powerful opening and certainly drew me in, and the rest of the lyrics didn't disappoint.

'Six string soldier' is a lovely description.

Do you have music for this? I'd love to hear it.


   
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(@mr-d)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 22
Topic starter  

I'm still working with the band on putting it to music, but if we record it I'll be sure to post it :)

Glad you like it,
Dillon

I use heavy strings, tune low, play hard and floor it. Floor it. That's technical talk.
—SRV


   
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(@lostbeggining)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 197
 

wow yeah i agree, great use of imagery, really painted the picture, id really like to hear the music with it....so....yeah...go for it!

Well Done!!

+

Rain Shadow


   
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