THey say we are free help

Hi Storky,
I think this song has some real potential, I like what your saying here. My main criticism is that the metaphors that you are using are not linked together as much as I would like. For example you talk of a plough field, then you talk of trees then you talk of sand and then rocky roads. All these metaphors are valid in their own right. I think that this song would have more impact if you talked more about the underlying theme that brings your metaphors together, and what it means, rather than metaphoric examples themselves. I hope that makes sense.
But yet they say we are free
Is a great hook and theme and I think to expand on this would really lift this song,

Good work here

Cheers

Paul

I would suggest you narrow the metaphor and focus it more. It seems like you start off with a metaphor about toiling in a field, but abandon it early on. Given the subject matter, it is a metaphor with possibilities worth exploring. As an excercise, at least, see where it takes you if you really try to flesh out the factual details of the metaphor. Casting your ideas in the clothes of crisp images can open up a world of double meanings and subtexts that can make a really rich lyric.

Think about:

Who is plowing the field?
What are they growing?
Does he/she own the property?
Is this mule and plowshare work, or is it a more modern telling of a small farmer on borrowed equipment trying to stay one payment ahead of foreclosure?
Does he/she have a family?
What part of the country is it?
How is the seasons manifested in the images of the scene?
Is it light/dark? Hot and sunny or chilly and wet? Is there drought?
How long is the workday? What happens when its time for lunch? Is he/she all alone in the field or is there a companion?
Is a dog there? A crow? A dead tree in the field? A barbed wire fence?
Did the barn collapse under the weight of a freak April snowstorm?

Just some ideas that hopefully will help prod you on.

I agree with Tiger Jam and Pbee completely. You start off in a plowfield and never return to it and yet it is a good metaphor. You just mention beams of light and a tree but don't relate them to that field. The song is not very focused and exploring the plowfield metaphor certainly is a great idea. You also introduce the idea of being on a journey - you are swiftly moving through the plowfield, mention being on a journey, and then are on a rocky road. Just re-read the previos posts, think I am being redundant. Anyway..

As the lyrics stand right now...

The beams of lights the suns rays
Illuminate the truth
With tree on this journey
is the one tha bears fruit

I have no idea what this is trying to say and does not seem to blend with the rest of the song. It comes out of nowhere and doesn't explain at all the truth is being illuminated or what the fruit is that the tree is bearing. The beams of lights the suns rays - this is very awkward to read and say. Hmmm... maybe you just meant: "The beams of light, the sun's rays." I know it sounds crazy that I am struggling with this line but dropping that 's' and adding a comma makes a big difference. I'm terrible at punctuation but am big on including enough punctuation that I can read the song properly since I can not hear it. I also don't understand: "With tree on this journey is the one that bears fruit." Math was my strong subject so I am not great at English, nor at complex sentences. Besides songs certainly don't need to follow perfect English. This one sounds nice and reads easy but I am not sure it makes sense. Maybe you can explain it to me.

A tappastry so rich we hold
To find the key on this rocky road
A world thats tired and feeling old

Right now, the first two lines are connected and then the last just seems stuck on there. Perhaps, this could be resolved by simply adding the word 'in' so: "In a world that's tired and feeling old."

Lastly, the song is "They Say We are Free" and you cap that off on the end. This also seems to jump out of nowhere. How I see it is - You are talking about how true value doesn't lie in objects in the first and third verses. The second verse, again, I don't know the truth or fruit that is found in the second verse. The last verse is about finding true meaning and value in life where people are getting more superficial. Why aren't we free? Maybe you could include a stanza in there about how possesions are our shackles. It would give a reason why are freedom is an illusion. It would also help transition between ideas of possessions being meaningless to searching for real meaning beyond the physical sense. I hope that you will post any new forms that this song may take on.

Happy Writing,
Purple

Something in Purple's post got me thinking, and it seems to me the theme in your song has strong parallels with the book Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament of the Bible. The whole book is only about 10 pages long and it is full of crisp and timeless images on this theme. It might just feed your imagination with some nuances you might not have considered otherwise. I strongly recommend you take about 20 minutes to read it. Ecclesiastes is essentially a long poem, and best of all it's public domain, so if a phrase here or there is particularly fitting, you are free to lift it. After all, isn't the difference between plagarism and allusion merely a matter of a couple thousand years? Biblical allusions were good enough for Shakespeare, Bob Dylan, The Grateful Dead, William Faulkner and Mark Twain. Not to mention the Byrds (who lifted Turn, Turn, Turn in its entirety from Ecclesiastes 3:1 through 3:8).

Now, totally different suggestion. An exercise to help get you in a mindset to add cohesion to the lyrical framework. You've probably heard of "method acting." A method actor may get into a character so deeply, as to imagine the actor is in reality the character he is playing. To do this the actor might imagine an entire world for that character (a lifetime of events and characters leading up to the present) that are totally outside the script. Even though these details are outside the script and never divulged in the film, the imaginary life the actor has imagined informs and enhances the entire performance. A songwriter can do the same thing. Try creating an imaginary character to be the speaker in your song. Doesn't matter who, but just someone fictional and interesting and who would have first-hand knowledge of the subject matter. Think about what that person is like and where he is coming from. The song never has to name the person, and can still be sung in first person, so that when you sing it, you are just inhabiting that character. It's just a thought, but it can add some real texture and nuance to the finished work.

Søren Kierkegaard wrote something to the effect that "We tend to view ourselves subjectively, and others objectively." This is true. The benefit of a method acting approach to songwriting is that, having identified the themes and the message of what you want to say (as you have already done), you can step away from yourself and take a fresh look at the song from a more objective point of view.

I agree with Purple: I hope you will let us know how the song progresses.