#49

little geometryish? right?

Little bit. I'm not sure I get it, though. Or, actually, I think I get what you're trying to say, just not sure why you said it in such a choppy way. Were you trying to fit it to certain music or did the geometry thing throw you a little? Hey just stick a circle or triangle in there and call it a day. I'd like to hear what you have to say without all the catchy math phrases mucking it up. Sounds like you've got some interesting stuff to say. If you make any revisions I'd like to see. Thanks.

Joe

said you found safety
in things told to say

What does that mean? Can you maybe try something like....

Said you found safety
In things I said to you
Noticed how acute I was
While you were so obtuse

You get your geometry terms in, and still say what I think you were trying to say.
Noticed quick how
sharp i was. while
your soft as clay

I hopped the Y
and took my X
plane of love
and pain of less

Not really sure what that means either. If you wouldn't mind explaining it to me, it could just be that I'm stupid and don't get it, (wouldn't be the first time). I'm not sure how to revise that since I don't know what you're trying to say exactly.
What i always ment say

Is this a typo or does it have a hidden meaning I'm not getting? Again, it wouldn't be the first time.

First i want to say i did this 2 seconds literally after figuring this particular forum out. The last thing is a typo im a horrible speller :D

Maybe i misread the instructions but I thought it was just to have geometry in it. I conjured up the first lyrics and just wrote a song that Included geometry. Next two lines were never ment to be geometrish...they're just there...

said you found safety
in things told to say

well i was talking with this young lady im kinda into and she sings with me sometimes, "I find my words are safer when im told to say them" or something like that refering to improvising, she feels she lacks improvising skills :roll: .

From that little line i just rolled out the rest on demand.

The Hopoped the y and took my ex plane of love and pain of less is kinda weak...hopped the y and took my x....to me its asking questions and seeking answers...finding pain of less(less loss lossing) and planes of love.

peace brotha joe, also my name...ooooooo :o

Hey, Joe,
well i was talking with this young lady im kinda into and she sings with me sometimes, "I find my words are safer when im told to say them" or something like that refering to improvising, she feels she lacks improvising skills.

Will this work?

You said you found safety in things you're told to say

or even...

"Said you found safety in what you're told to say."

I don't think it would change your rhythm if you just emphasize said and told when you play your chords, and when you sing it, it might sound more like the way you originally had it, but I think it's important to have it written with the extra words so that your meaning is clear. Maybe I'm wrong. I kinda tend to write like I sing too. Thing is, now that I understand the meaning, I think it's a really good line.

As for your geometry, it was fine. Not a real big concern of mine. Would rather just read some good lyrics whether it meets the "required" theme or not. Oh, and, didn't mean to be nitpicky about the spelling. Just wanted to make sure I was understanding it correctly. Been hangin' with too many pretentious people lately. Missin' out on all the good slang. Thought maybe that was one of 'em. Looking forward to more posts.

Joe

Hey Joe, umm, and Joe :lol:

Not bad first song for the forum. It is a little demanding at best, to try to come with something every week. Some things will be great (atleast in your eyes) and others you will regret showing for the rest of your life... OK well not that bad. :D But as Joe said, if you ever need to comprimse either on the side of a good work or staying within the lines then opt for the work. Alot of these assignments cant be interpreted alot of different ways anyway.

Most important have fun.

Dont really have any constructive comments on the song. I've been on the down slope of the roller coaster for a while now so I'm not as helpful and creative as I usually am.

Geoo