i just wrote this to write a song, and was gonna post it in the other forum, but then i realized it kind of fits the geometry thing, with the pyramid, so here it is. another song of self pity.
like climbing the edge of pyramid
solar flares melting my cottage cheese thoughts
no ambition but to be stranded
at the top of this ancient ziggurat
like a fly on the wall
with broken wings
and no song to sing
and noone to catch me when i fall
broken heart pounding in my chest
wishing you were here with me
but there's no mall at the top
and nothing but up up up to see
like a fly on the wall
with broken wings
and no song to sing
and noone to catch me when i fall
if i don't reach the pinnacle
if i slip and break my bones
leave me dying one more time
release me to the great unknown
like a fly on the wall
with broken wings
and no song to sing
and noone to catch me when i fall
I like it.
like climbing the edge of pyramid
solar flares melting my cottage cheese thoughts
no ambition but to be stranded
at the top of this ancient ziggurat
Do you need "cottage cheese" there? If so, could you maybe say,
"solar flares turning my thoughts to cottage cheese?" But I think,
"solar flares melting my thoughts would sound better"
And get your point across without sounding cheesy...(wince) sorry.
like a fly on the wall
with broken wings
and no song to sing
and noone to catch me when i fall
I like the way this reads, except, I'm not sure about a fly singing--could it be a bird? Or do we need the simile of a fly on the wall? Also, no one is two words.
broken heart pounding in my chest
wishing you were here with me
but there's no mall at the top
and nothing but up up up to see
I like that, but could you just say "Up" once. Otherwise I start thinking of Superman. Otherwise, it's a great line.
I could definitely see and feel that climb in the sun up the endless pyramid. Nice.
Joe
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Hi brothertupelo,
As a song about self-pity this works fine. Just a couple of thoughts though,
I think this line
like a fly on the wall
could just as easily be
like a bird on the walland for me would work better with the rest of the stanza.
I don't quite understand the relevance of the mall in this line
but there's no mall at the top
and nothing but up up up to see
maybe something like
but there's nothing but up at the top
and nothing but nothing to see
just some ideas. Good stuff :D .
Cheers
pbee
The "fly on the wall" doesn't really seem to fit with the rest of the song...But I really like the fly having broken wings instead of a bird. "Bird with broken wings" is almost a cliche. Cool song, Brother.
"Bird with broken wings" is almost a cliche. Cool song, Brother.
Yeah good point.
pbee
yeah, i realize not a lot of it makes sense. it's a personal song, so i guess that there was no attempt on my part to make it more universal.
the consistency of brain matter is often compared to cottage cheese
