Never finished my week 12 song in time so I reworked it for week 13's assignment. I hope you like it. Two points to the first person to post who it's about.
You Shy Old Shouter - 1/29/07
You shy old shouter
Sing song pouter
I see you on stage with the faith of a doubter
You sing and growl
In a devil's howl
Black raven songs in the hour of the owl
Lyrics of doom
From your empty tomb
Croaking a ballad of love and gloom
Painful noise
And distorted toys
Adorn you poems and poison your joys
The tools of your work
Like the graveyard clerk
Observing love with an epitaph smirk
Broken chimes
and Cocaine rhymes
Street walker beats and midnight crimes
Bent back broke
Breathing in smoke
Coughing out wisdom, singing like a choke
Your lapsed priest stare
And crow black glare
Rocking and rolling like and empty chair
Tick and tock
Goes your gothic clock
Banging on steel as your songs unlock
Pictures green
And Truth so mean
Heartbreak whispers in a megaphone scream
Hi Dave ..
Who its' about I have no idea I thought of Johnny Cash and Roy Orbinson only because of the colour black ....
I like the read on this the second verse pulled me into it ..
One qusetion though ..What is singing like a choke , I have never heard that before , just curious ...
Well done
Trevor
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Nope not JR Cash or Roy Orbison.
All I meant by singing like a choke is singing that sounds like choking.
I've reworked a few of the lyrics for flow and interest.
You shy old shouter
Sing song pouter
Preaching on stage with the faith of a doubter
You sing and growl
In a devil's howl
Black raven songs in the hour of the owl
Lyrics of doom
From your empty tomb
Croaking a ballad of love and gloom
Painful noise
And distortion toys
Adorn your poems and poison your joys
Broken chimes
and Cocaine rhymes
Street walker beats and midnight crimes (switched around order)
The tools of your work
Like the graveyard clerk
Observing love with an epitaph smirk
Bent back broke
Breathing smoke
Cough out wisdom, sing in a choke
Your lapsed priest stare
And crow black glare
Rocking and rolling like an empty chair
Tick and tock
Goes a gothic clock
Banging on steel as your songs unlock
Pictures green
And Truth so mean
Heart attack whispers in a megaphone scream
Dave,
I like the rewrite. Sometimes small changes can make a
BIG difference in a lyric.
One small thing "Heart attach" Did you by chance mean "Heart attack"?
As for who it is about I'll guess Ozzy Osborne :?:
Good Work
John
Nope not Ozzy. Thanks for pointing out that typo. I'm all for odd lyrics but heart ATTACH? I don't think so.
Hey Dave,
it sounds like a hard rock or metal song to me. You could be referering to anybody really, Judas Priest maybe ?
As for the song I thing its well written, well done.
cheers
Paul
Definitely prefer the re-write - although the original's pretty good!
I can definitely see this being a metal song, though you may surprise me...although it reads well enough, there's no bridge or chorus, I just wonder about dynamics...although, if you're planning a metal song, that shouldn't matter too much....
My first guess would've been Ozzy...I'm not too well up on metal though, so no 2nd guess....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Wow! I think this is an excellent poem.
I like the edits, except the last one. I really, really prefer "heartbreak" over "heart attack." Heartbreak contrasts dramatically against the "megaphone scream," and says something personal about the singer--it paints a more poignant picture, IMO.
Oh, couple more typos--in the second verse, probably should be "adorn YOUR poems", and in the second to last verse, "rocking and rolling like AN empty chair."
Great piece of work, Lavadave!
Margaret
When my mind is free, you know a melody can move me
And when I'm feelin' blue, the guitar's comin' through to soothe me ~
Thanks Margaret, I picked up those typos. I'll try to do a recording of this song over the weekend. I'm thinking of trying to come up with some industrial sounding drums behind it. It really should be sung in a growl, but I don't know if I can do that. I guess it doesn't hurt to try.
