SSG Year 5 Week 13 - 13 Women - Now with MP3

How about mashing the two countdown verses into one bridge?

Hi Dave,

Thanks for the feedback. Originally I had just what you suggested, the two countdown verses combined as one . . . . . but it just seemed to go on endlessly. Still, it's a thought. Thanks.

:D Oh, this is really good and clever stuff!

I think keep the two countdowns separate--would be too much all together, IMO.

Seems like maybe a Jimmy Buffett-type song to me.

Nice work.

Margaret

Hey Neil, I like MOST of the song - just this part

went to sleep one night, had a dream
number came to me, the number 13
didn't understand, didn't know what it meant
but I had a bad feeling, it wasn't heaven sent

just when you think that nothing can get worse
all of a sudden you feel that you're cursed
and nothing you can do and nothing you can say
ever seems to manage to come out the right way

Seems a touch cliche'd...I can see how you've tried to use it as an intro/lead in, but for me it doesn't have anywhere near the impact of the rest of the song...

maybe if you played around with the words a little....

When I'm tossing and turning, my waking dreams,
Are all plagued by the number 13,
Never did understand what they meant,
But I always felt they weren't heaven-sent

In the next four lines, you've changed the POV from first person to second, might be better to keep it personal....

Everything I do, everything I ever say,
Always seems to come out the wrong way,
Looked like things couldn't possibly be worse,
Until I finally realised I was cursed....

I changed the order of the lines, seemed to flow a little better...

The next part's OK, but watch those tenses...maybe "I'd" instead of "I've" would be more consistent....

And from thereon in I LOVE the rest of it - the double ascending/descending countdown works a treat, VERY original...I wouldn't change a thing from there....

Thinking about it again, I really feel you could start the song from "There were 13 women...." - I'm not sure it needs the long preamble/intro, for me - and remember, it's only my opinion - it detracts a little from what I think of as the "real" song... it's strong enough and lucid enough to stand on its own....

Just my thoughts anyway....

:D :D :D

Vic

Oh yeah - I forgot - as for music, I could see/hear this done as a kind of talking blues a la Dylan...not sure that's what you'd go for, but it seemed to suit the rhythm in my head

Or as kind of a finger-picked blues with lots of 7th chords....

:D :D :D

Vic

Thanks Vic,

Lots of great ideas! I really like what you suggest for the intro and may very well use your ideas. Thanks. Meanwhile, I've worked the the music some and came up with the following;

http://www.soundclick.com/neilstuart

Bravo Neil ..Bravo

Busy man I would say :lol:

Honestly mate I reckong this is your best so far , it has a depth to it that everyone can understand , and I really love the chorus ..

Well done Sir

Bravo

The MP3 is wonderful

Trevor

Good song, well done Neil. I think Vic has pretty much said it all. I really do like your bridges (yes keep them separate IMO)

cheers

Paul

I've listened to the MP3 a few times now - it's pretty good, it's the kind of song you listen to and think "I wish I'd written that......"

But that intro verse still bugs me, I think you could lose it altogether and not lose the sense of the song....

And the song seems a little too long, because there isn't much variation....maybe it would sound a little better fingerpicked, with a descending bassline? Possibly part picked part strummed? The choruses are excellent - as I said before, I love the double countdown, the song's well written - for me, it just suffers a little bit from a lack of variety. It's all strummed, and there isn't even much variation in the strumming pattern. Having said that, the music's good - the chords seem to fit nicely, and the overall flow and tone is good.....

If I was blindfolded and someone played me one of your songs, I'd say "oh yes, that's Neil" - you've got a distinctive, pleasant voice, very easy on the ears....but on the negative side, I can recognise your guitar playing almost as easily as the voice....all comes down to that word again, variety.....

Just for a change one week, I'd love to hear see you write a down-and-dirty rocker - I know it's not your style, but then again, I've written a lot of ballads and blues songs for the SSG.....

Neil, please don't think I'm having a go at you here - I think you have a lot of potential, I always enjoy your writing, I just think you've got in a bit of a rut - I'd like to see you fulfil that potential, and put some music to your songs that's a little different to the same strummed acoustic chords....hell man, buy an electric! You don't have to go the whole hog and play nothing but powerchords.....you can change things around a little by playing strummed chords on electric, John Fogerty - for one - and Dave Gilmour - for another - are fabulous songwriters who've written lots of songs that sound good acoustically, but can be played on stage electrically....

It's all about experimenting.....

Then again, you might not want to experiment, and I might be talking through my rear passage - at the end of the day, it's how YOU feel about YOUR songs that matters.....

To sum up - you've got a good voice - very easy on the ear, very tuneful - you can write a very good song, I like your lyrics a lot - just mix it up a bit!

:D :D :D

Vic

Vic,

By all means, have a go at me! You're one of the people on this forum that really makes it worthwhile for many of us. Not only through the contribution of your own songs, but for your thoughtful, insightful, and in depth comments about our songs. I really appresciate you telling me how you see it. Our individual insight is truly limited.

And I think you're right about losing the first verse, and pretty much everything else you say, too. I am in a rut and it's partly due to me being comfortable in my style, but a large part do to my inability as a musician. I picked up a guitar about three years ago for the first time because I had music in my head and needed something to help me bring it out . . . . and I've always fancied being a "folk singer" . . . . So I taught myself just enough so I could strum and sing at the same time and began writing when I joined this forum a little over a year ago. I recently tried taking lessons but the teacher was not all that good.

I think your idea of becoming electric might be a really good change for me. I have just begun to have similar thoughts, although I really do like acoustic. I'm sure as a wallow in my rut a little bit longer I'll see the light and find myself in search of a new guitar soon. My understanding is that it's a bit easier to play in some respects and will be a big help adding that variety you mentioned. Barre chords are still a mother for me . . . . I have always had a problem with finger strength.

Anyway, thanks so much for your comments and look forward to your honest critiques.

Neil

Well, okay, I get what Vic's saying, but for the most part when I listen to stuff on here, I expect the recordings to be rough. I waited so long to post my own stuff for just this reason. I'm no Eric Clapton and I don't have the greatest equipment or vocals. I hoped people would judge the song and not the musician. After all, this is a song writing forum. Isn't it? So, Vic's valuable comments aside, I really like your songs, Neil--the ones I've heard so far. I find myself imagining them with other instruments and yes, okay, maybe more sophisticated instrumentals at times, to match the quality of the lyrics. But what you record is good enough for me to recognize them as good songs--and to make me sit and listen up until the very last note. Clever lyrics. And like Vic said, nice voice.

Joe

Hey Chefie ,

where is the link for the MP3. Would love to hear it. But I must be getting old and blind, looked everywhere and can't see the link. :?

Ja'mir

HI Jamir,

Here's the link . . . . .

http://www.soundclick.com/neilstuart

Hi'a

Thanks a ton, I love the chorus, the repetitive 13 and the melody makes a real good hook.

On the constructive side , not much I can add that hasn't already been said. Your guitaring is great and the balance between the instrument and voice is good, the lyrics are mostly clear.

There is a line or two where you have pushed in a lot of words and it is hard to hear without knowing the lyrics.

Great job, very enjoyable. Looking forward to hearing more

Go well
Ja'mir