Father's Day - week 33 - Bob

Bob

I have read your post but I am a little lost with your second verse , it might be I am a bit tired so I will re-read in the AM ..

Trevor

That was about mid night last night this is 1130 am , I am still having trouble with what your saying in verse 2 , No respect for your dad but he ruled the house hold and everyone did their duties ...

I'd like to examine the no respect part of that , just to make the whole verse on that maybe ..

Trev x 2 :lol:

A couple of suggestions for the second verse Bob - maybe if you start it in a similar fashion to the first, along the lines of "I remember those Sundays when I was a kid" then perhaps describe how it was YOUR dad's one full day of the week with you as he worked long hours? Sunday roast, football in the park etc?

I like the first verse and the chorus goes well with it....and the idea for the third verse/bridge is good, too. Maybe stress how you see more of the kids (and THEIR kids!) now they're grown....that'll subtly re-inforce the fact you're not the bad guy....

Second chorus is good, too - nice contrast with the first chorus.

I see the American influence is creeping in again - NASCAR, movie (Brits watch films!) - you aiming for the global market? Only joking - you've got half a good song here, hope you manage to finish it.

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi Bob,

The experience is well told and reads well . . . . . and I agree another verse is needed. Vic may be on to something with his suggestions. Another possibility might be to describe Father's Day before the family break up. Just a thought.

Neil

It's good to see a song, Bob, and a good song it is.

I like your twists on father's day, especially the second one:
That was my father's day

Yeah, a 3rd verse/chorus would definitely work. Have you considered adding a more pop-like chorus? The one you have now is longer than the verses, so I read it more like a pre-chorus. I don't know what you're going for, but it's something to consider.

Trev, I should point out that verse 2 actually says "no disrespect", not "no respect", unless it was edited between when you read it and when I did. You're right, it wouldn't have made much sense as "no respect".

I've been trying to come up with replacements for "how my dad ruled our household truly". Nothing good so far, but maybe my misfires will help out?
- "my dad ruled undisputed" ( kinda rhymes with 'duty' )
- "in our castle dad was king"
- "dad called the shots like monarchy/royalty"

Keep going.

Hiya Bob,

I think the concept is really good, and has a lot of potential. I also like the word play of Father's Day/ in my father's day, and find the

I am bothered by a couple of lines:

"Every second Sunday I meet up with my kids" suggests that you get them once per month, on the second sunday, but the fortnight reference suggests that you are really getting "Every other Sunday".

"Losing contact with my kids" sounds so clinical. "Losing touch" might be a bit more personal.

I know that this kind of subject matter can be very personal, and hard to hang out there.

One idea for the household truly line, pulling from one of Slowplay's suggestions:

I remember when I was a kid
how my dad was the king of our castle
There was no disrespect
our duties done without hassle

But, to bring up Nick's old Songwriting 101, a lot of this feels like I am being told, rather than shown, how events are now and how they were then. Looking at the above castle idea, maybe it would be possible to incorporate imagery of times long ago to contrast with imagery of modern times to aid in achieving the contrast between the modern father and the father of yesteryear. Or maybe there are some better images that come to mind for you - But there just isn't anything here that creates a real picture in my mind.

When I hear this song, I want to see the kids running to you when you pick them up, hear the crack of the bat at the game, smell the popcorn at the movie, taste the ice cream you share with them after dinner, and feel the bittersweetness of having them for one scant day every two weeks. I want to yearn for the days of yesterday, when Dad was king, and we served him gladly. I want to marvel at how quickly the world has changed. I'm not saying you need to completely rework it, but working some images in can take this "good" song (and don't get me wrong, it is good) and make it "great"

Doug

Thanks everyone it's so often the case that what you point out as bothering you is actually what's bothering me. This is one I want to keep so I'll work on it some more with suggestions in mind.

The way everyone is reading it isn't quite where I was intending to take it which means the ideas aren't coming across clearly.

Doug - show me, don't tell me - I usually chant Nick's mantra to myself when I'm starting something. This one could certainly do with some of that.

Thanks

Bob :wink: