Life {Week} 37 MP3 now under song lyrics

Have decided to add a 4 th verse currently working on it

Hey Trev

Not bad though one thing bothers me.
Though I can't forgive that crook

I don't get where you're coming from with this line.
It sounds like you were trying to force a rhyme.

Good Job

John

I don't know if it was intentional John

The preceeding line talks about forgiveness , and the whole song is about devil , and yes crook rhymes with book and thats probably why I used it ..

But I wasn't trying to force the rhyme at all , but if thats how it comes across then maybe I should re visit it ..

Thanks for the feed back

Trev.. 8)

Hi Trev,

not bad, I liked the mp3. My only issue with it is that Im not quite sure what the overall message of the song is. If the message is that "you" have found God then id like to see you allude to the "finding" a bit more in the verses and chorus. I'm being a little tougher on you here cos I think your writing has got to a level that this type of critique is more beneficial. Good stuff mate, think about how the verses, chorus & bridge integrate with each other to deliver the message. Also in most cases one message is the best policy IMO.

cheers

Paul

Paul ..

Don't take this me being narky or anything ..Just trying to understand your reply thats all

You talk of one message ..Ok I understand that bit , and this is how I wrote this and please feel free to to tell me where I went wrong as far as one message went PLEASE !

I tried telling a story , as follows

Verse 1 ...Yesterday ... I probably should have had as my 1st verse as follows : Which I did but it didn't sound right so I changed it ..

Iwent to chuch on Sunday
I was sinning by Monday
Mum always told me its in that book
Just open your mind and have a look

2nd verse -- Talks about what is happening in the church

Chorus ----Brings the devil into the story and the narrators view on him

Bridge ----After going to church the narrator Doesn't fear the devil

Verse 3 ---A bit of personal insight of the narrator

There is a verse 4 -- But was written after the MP3 done :oops:

Closes on Chorus ...

I thought I told a story , from beginning to end , the reasons why the narrator and I hate this saying with a passion " Found God" ....
Been there along time from what I recall ..Is in the verse I didn't post but that still won't change your opinion on the 1 message delima ...

Please what did I do wrong ...By one message if we went with the chorus for exaample

The devil has his ambitions
For all our life's decisions
Are you ready to pay the price
For being a little naughty
Or perfectly nice

Do I just write about the devil the whole way through and add bits and pieces on the Naughty and Nice part , and how the devil will make you pay the price and how he is involved in lifes' decisions ..

Even if you don't want to explain it here please drop me a Pm ....

I thought this was one of my best songs ever

Trev...

Sorry to babble on please take no offence , like I said just trying to understand

By integration I mean a logical link between your stanzas. For example by mentioning the word God in verse1 one, I now know who the “he” that you refer to in verse 2 is. If the second verse is about God and his teachings then the “crook” line becomes awkward because I don't know it's about the Devil cos you haven't told me. I would loose the “crook” line and rewrite lines 3 & 4 so that the only deal with “God”. Now you need to link the chorus to the verses, Using “But” and “also” implies some form contest between the Devil & God and therefore your link is made. If you use the “perfectly nice” line then you've introduced a little ambiguity in the chorus, now its not just paying the price to the Devil but also to God (for being nice). If this is about the devil only then you need to get rid of the “being nice” line. If this about both (not a bad idea BTW) then keep the “being nice” line and rewrite the bridge so that it refers to both God and the Devil, i.e. the bridge is linked to the chorus. Verse 3 needs some link back to the Devil/God theme. “I've learnt” gives us a link back. In this context “My stories will have you reeling “ doesn't really support the theme of the verse, its not telling us anything about what you've learn since you've found God. I would rewrite this line. I might also be inclined to drop this line “Mum do you forgive me now” from the verse and use it as a 1 line outro.

Verse 1
I'll be going to church on Sunday
I'll probably be sinning by Monday
Mum always told me God is in that book
Just open your mind and have a look

Verse 2
Going to church and praying
Does he hear what I'm saying
I hold dear to that sacred book
Learning about forgiveness
Though I can't forgive that crook

Chorus
But the devil also has ambitions
For all our life's decisions
Are you ready to pay the price
For being a little naughty
Or perfectly nice

Bridge
I don't fear him now
Wish he would take his bow
I'm no longer lost
As I finally found the cross
I don't fear him now

Verse 3
I've learnt never hide my feelings
My stories will have you reeling
Be honest with yourself
And smile with everyone else
Mum do you forgive me now

Chorus
The devil has his ambitions
For all our life's decisions
Are you ready to pay the price
For being a little naughty
Or perfectly nice

Trev these are just my opinions and the way I tend to write, I think the word “pragmatic” was once used to describe my style, everyone has their own style, and mine might not appeal to you but there it is.

cheers

Paul

Thanks Paul

Sorry if I sounded narky or anything I honestly did not follow what you meant ..

Now I do later on I'll try and re-edit as per your post which makes alot of sense now ...

Thank you
Trevor