YAY! MY FIRST POST!!! :D Okay, so I'm kind of new to this, so you'll just have to bear with me
Lost
People tell me that I have changed
I'm blind and faitless, they say I've lost my way
I keep on searching for the reasons why
I can't seem to find my castle in the sky
I am hiding underneath my rock
Like the salamander, it's all that I've got
Too scared to enter the world outside
Happy just to swim in the river that I've cried
Living in this township I now call my home
Founded on lonliness and fear
Lost and bewildered in the mazes of my mind
Losing sight of all I hold dear
The momentum at which I live my life
Is quickly starting to decline
No longer living attuned and in sync
Now I've taken the time to realize
That I'm lost.....
People tell me that I have changed....
Enjoy :)
Mix It Up
S_L
Very nice!! I like it a lot. It seems to flow well and the story line is easy to read and understand.
Can’t say I would change anything.
Keep it up, and keep’em coming.
Blessings.
Olav
Hi Summer Loving, and welcome to Guitar Noise,
There are a couple of superfluous words that could be stripped out -
"I keep on searching for reasons why"
and
"can't find my castle in the sky"
for example, but otherwise it's a fine effort.
Best,
A :-)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk
Hi Summer Loving
Good job.
Takes me back to my youth...oh was I ever lost and confused one thing must be fix and one question.
Fix (very petty) the h in faithless it's not there
Question; the first two verses you rhyme lines 3 and 4
but in the third you rhyme lines 2 and 4, why the change?
or is this the chorus? no rhyme at all in last verse.
Not that they have to rhyme but you set me up looking for the 3-4 rhymescheme them threw me a curve.
JUST MY OPINION--Keep up the good work
Tokai 12 String
Don't you ever give up on yourself
Hi SL,
I'll second Alan and Tokai's sentiments. It's very common to make your lines wordier than they need to be. I do it all the time. You get a meter going in your mind and you try to match up a syllable for every beat, or even half-beat. Using Alan's examples as fodder, you could try:
I can't find the reasons why
and
where's my castle in the sky?
And as Tokai pointed out, a consistent rhyme scheme will go far towards helping your song be one of those songs that gets stuck in people's heads.
However, I would also point out that you have a terrific story being told here, it flows well, and the outro is wonderful. I can hear this in a Janis Ian, or Joni Mitchell style. Very nice.
I look forward to reading more of your songs. Seeing as how you did so well with this assignment.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Thanks Guys! I wasnt expecting responses such as the ones I got! Very encouraging! And believe me, I will take everything into consideration.
Thanks again!
Mix It Up
Welcome to the forum, SL
Pretty much agree with what's already been said. My favorite lines in the song are
Happy just to swim in the river that I've cried
and
Lost and bewildered in the mazes of my mind
I think I'd lose the "just" and "that" in the first one, though, and just write "Happy to swim in the river I've cried"
The structure, as has been noted, is a little bit off, but I'm sure you're already working on that. I think that the title, "Lost", is great. It's a good hook, too, since we're all lost sometimes, so it seems. But you don't capitalize on that in the song. Lost appears once at the beginning of a line in the middle of a verse, and once at the end of the song. I think that if you put together a good chorus using "I've taken the time to realize that I'm lost" as the hook, you could get something special going here.
Best of luck to you, and keep on writing,
Doug
Agree with the others.
P.S.
I would immediately take the line:
"Happy just to swim in the river that I cried"
and write a song with that as the chorus.
