OK here's my effort at this week's assignment.
As the salamander sheds its skin
Should we begin again
Shed the layers of our lives
To seek a new momentum
[Verse 1]
Seeking absolution
But faithless to the end
Bitter recriminations
Have become our trend
[Verse 2]
Love lost its location
At the centre of our lives
It dwells in its own township
Pushed way over to one side
[Verse 3]
Attuned to one another
As we first started out
We've become discordant as
A lullaby and a shout
Not happy with the use of sheds and shed in the chorus (couldn't make exfoliate fit). Also I reckon it ends abruptly and seems unfinished but then that may suit the mood.
Needs revisiting after a day or so - I think
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
Hey Bob,
Not happy with the use of sheds and shed in the chorus (couldn't make exfoliate fit)
What about "sloughs" in lieu of one of the "shed"s?
Just a thought.
-- Scratch
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Bob
The use of “shed” really didn’t bother me, I actually think they tied it all together pretty nicely. So my opinion is not to worry about it.
The last line in V2 just didn’t sit right with me. Just seemed to long compared to the other three "last lines". I don’t have a good suggestion for you.
Overall I think it turned out really good. You weaved the assigned words in quite nicely.
Blessings
Olav
Hey Bob,
I like the concise verses and chorus - kudos on keeping each part to four lines.
The chorus - shed doesn't bother me so much in the way it sounds as in the way it means. Shedding is something animals do with skin, or hair, or people do with tears - shedding doesn't take much effort. I think that your chorus calls the listener to take an active role in redefining himself, and that a more active verb is called for. Peel, Strip, Cast off, or some other such verb will do it better justice, I think.
The verses are ok, but the imagery in there is really scattered. I don't think I'd ever describe a township as pushed over to one side. "On the river's other side" or some such comes to mind, but then you'd have to work that into the imagery which might not be easy to do.
The last verse has some good stuff in it, but you are telling me about being discordant as a lullaby and shout. Why not show me? (Geez, I sound like Nick).
Attuned our songs began
before the battle's rout
Now we hear only discord
lullabies turn to shouts
It's a stretch, but you see what I mean
Keep on writing,
Doug
